Wanderluster

ENNEAGRAM Test Results

2010-03-07T10:10:00.001+08:00

2 - THE HELPER

You chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO (aka "The Charmer").

"I must help others"

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

• Share fun times with me.

• Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.

• Let me know that I am important and special to you.

• Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• Reassure me that I am interesting to you.

• Reassure me often that you love me.

• Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a TWO

• being able to relate easily to people and to make friends

• knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better

• being generous, caring, and warm

• being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings

• being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a TWO

• not being able to say no

• having low self-esteem

• feeling drained from overdoing for others

• not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish

• criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should

• being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tune in to them

• working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

TWOs as Children Often

• are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism

• try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding

• are outwardly compliant

• are popular or try to be popular with other children

• act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention

• are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted TWOs), or quiet and shy (the more introverted TWOs)

TWOs as Parents

• are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)

• are often playful with their children

• wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"

• can become fiercely protective

perfectly lonely

2010-02-15T22:59:00.000+08:00

I had an interesting yet fun Valentine's day. My single friends and I went out for dinner and had all-we can eat Japanese food. We were an interesting bunch since I'm the youngest, the other is 9 years older than I, another is a single mom with 2 college-aged kids, and the other, a guy friend who recently ended a 5 year relationship.

We laughed our way throughout dinner, and I went home with a smile in my heart. It was a nice dinner, a pretty good way to spend V-day. But now, 24 hours after dinner, I'm beginning to think things through again.

I've had 2 serious relationships, but I've never had a valentine's date. My exes were both away during valentine's, which is quite sad, but then again what can I do, right? Still, since I am ultra romantic, Valentine's day is a special day for me. So it was kinda sad not having a significant other on the most romantic day of the year.

It got me thinking of how I miss going out with the one you love, holding hands, exchanging glances, walking side by side with our arms around each other's shoulder and waist. I do miss the feeling of being in love and being loved. It's been 3 years. But I don't miss the guy though. I just miss what it felt like to be in a romantic relationship.

Yesterday, I got to watch and listen to Terrified by Kara Dioguardi. The song made me wish I could sing it to someone:

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full of wrong
You're the thing that's right

Finally made it through the lonely
To the other side

Chorus:
You said it again
My heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watchin' the shadows burnin' in the dark

And I-I-I'm in love (I'm in love)
And I-I-I'm terrified
For the first time
And the last time
In my only life, life

But today, let me just be content on singing Perfectly Lonely by John Mayer:

Nothing to do, nowhere to be...
A simple little kind of free...
Nothing to do, no one but me...
And that's all I need.

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Coz I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me...

Haha! What a way to mock thyself! True true! Oh but I love the last bit:

And this is not to say
There'll never come a day
I'll take my chances and start again

Something like that.

This is me having a post-valentine's day drama. Elk!

Senyales

2010-01-25T00:34:00.003+08:00

I believe in signs.

But i didn't usually follow them because I was way too stubborn.

But because of the not-so-pleasant experiences I've had in the past, I've decided to acknowledge these signs, and for once, be smart enough to follow them.

I did, actually, just recently. It's not logical, because logic uses the brain. Still, the results were astounding.

Reading the signs, and doing what my very smart heart felt I had to do, led to the peace of mind i have been longing for quite some time. People might think it was a stupid choice, but it was my choice, and nobody would ever get to feel the peace I have felt afterward.

...

Everybody's experiences are unique. Some aspects are similar, yes, but altogether, they are distinct. What happened to me happened to two of my very close friends. Both of them did the same thing; I opted to do the opposite. I'd like to think that I did it not because of my being rebellious or because of my hard-headed nature. I did what I did because it felt right, and I knew it was right. I also felt like i wasn't just trying to convince myself in feeling that it was the right thing to do, which by the way, is one of my awesome talents. I can't quite find the words how to expound on it, so forgive me.

...

lessons learned:

When confronted with signs all over, do not try to justify your reasons. don't push it. don't roll the dice again just to get what you want. pray, acknowledge the signs, then let go, let things flow, then smile and say, "Okay Lord, I understand." Because who else could have given these signs but God.

...

John Mayer: "You can't go wrong if you tell the truth."

...

Alas! Peace :-) I think this is what I've been needing all along. :-)

God didn't give me what I thought I wanted. Instead, He gave me what I needed: something that lasts. :-)

Valiant

2010-01-10T02:58:00.002+08:00

This is me, being brave.

Yes, distancing one's self is easier. It's safer. It's pain-fee. But also joy-free.

So this is me being brave. This is me walking on faith, trusting, believing that God will help me with the pain that may or may not come.

This is me being brave. Not me being stupid and being a sigurista.

This is me being brave. This is me standing my ground.

This is me being brave. I'm not without fear, but I am always with faith.

This is me being brave. Because God gave me a mighty heart.

My Bizarre New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-07T02:36:00.009+08:00

New Year. New Decade. New set of New Year's Resolutions....

But this ain't the usual New Year's Resolution. It's quite selfish. Yes selfish. But not the negative kind of selfishness, but the "love yourself" kind of selfishness.

I remember what I told my brother this evening. I told him, "Kuya, you should take care of yourself more. How can you expect girls to believe that you will take care of them, when you can't even take care of yourself? Take care of yourself, so you can take care of others."

Well well, this is me being true to my word... this is me walking the talk.

Let the list speak for itself:

I want to learn to occasionally drink beer. (wine? well, maybe next year) One bottle of beer a day is actually good for us, says certain medical researches.
I wanna swear skirts more often.
I want to do some "flirtsome"-ing (you have to read Bo Sanchez' "How to Find your One True Love" book to understand.)
I will quit the high-fives and do some beso-beso.
I will be vigilant in my daily skin care regimens.
I will trust. release. flow. just like what Jhoanna said.
I will refrain from uttering negative commentaries and connotations. Only words with good vibes will come out of my mouth - and this applies to written words too, of course.
I will exercise more, even at home, so that by middle of this year, I'd have a flatter tummy so I can finally wear my bikinis to the beach. Petchai and I have decided to hit the beaches of Cebu and Bohol in June of this year, so I have 5 months to prepare. Besides, it's good for my health too ;)
I will save up. No more ridiculous spending. I wanna save up for the rainy days AND for my lakwatsa days. Ora et labora.
I wanna finally fall in love this 2010. ♥ It's been 3 long years since my heart skipped a beat. Patawarin! It's about time! (Yes, Lord, syempre may kasamang dasal to. syempre, vision lang naman. pangarap ba.)

*WINK*

------------------------------------------------------

* 25-Jan-2010 Comment

@#10 - fall in love? naaah. what's the rush, right? I finally understood things, and I think I am where I'm supposed to be. Love will come when I need it. As of now, I need to be where I'm at ;-)

02.Jan.2010

2010-01-07T00:55:00.010+08:00

Daming nangyari noong 02.Jan.2010.... It was a day full of activities:

7.30am - went to Evan's wedding (my 2nd cousin) in Alabang. My uncle i think was too excited. the wedding was at 930/10am, why in the world did we leave at 7.30ish? ayan tuloy, we arrived in Alabang at around 8.30. the bride and groom were still at the hotel. So we just stayed at the lobby first, then we got hungry, we had a quick breakfast at Jollibee in ATC. ha ha! oh. Beautiful wedding! I think it's the most glamorous wedding I have ever attended. The church was soo stunning (St. James the Great Parish, Ayala, Alabang.) The reception was a wow-er (The Palms Country Club, Filinvest, Alabang). The photographers were excellent (they showed an 0n-site slide show of the wedding during the reception - galiiiiing.) Oh, and I love the photo booth. (it's a rare experience, you know, to have wacky shots with grannies, uncles and aunts and my mo - will scan an upload soonest.)

The whole thing ended at around 3.30/4.30pm. We headed home to Cainta, with my uncles and aunts and grannies. Mygz, petch etc and I were supposed to be meeting up at megamall, but since we had visitors, i couldn't leave just yet. I didn't know if i could leave at all to meet them. On top of it all, i also promised Mr. C that I'd watch him play at saguijo. Stress! If i left, my mom would reprimand me for leaving while my relatives were with us at home. on the other hand, if i didnt leave, petch, mygz and mr. c will feel bad for my not keeping my word. talk about dilemma!

9:00 pm - Anyway, at around 9pm, my uncles left, and my granny and aunt went to bed (they slept at our place). So i grabbed some cash, wore my cardigan, grabbed mr. c's mi goreng and headed to tropical hut, where mr. c will pick me up to go to saguijo (i cant possibly catch up with mygz and petch in megamall since it's 9pm already, so i asked them to go to saguijo for us to meet and watch mr. c's band play - thank God my friends are GREAT, they agreed).

9:45pm - mr. c arrives and we head off to makati

10:15pm - we arrive at saGuijo. mr. c's band is 2nd in line. Mr. C PR'd the entrance guy, and we got free passes (wooot-woot!) had my first beer of the year (yeeey!) New Year's resolution #1 was to learn to drink beer. one down, 9 to go! (that's a totally different blog post). was introduced to a bunch of people whose names i cannot recall. (im very bad at this remembering-the-name-of-the-person-introduced-to-you thing)
10:30pm - mygz, petch, burn, muffet and erick arrives at saGuijo. Introduced mr. c to friends. Burn, the konsehal, introduced us to his friends too. BURN: "Guys, eto nga pala si petchai, si ert, si mygz, si enrico (erick: erick na lang!), at si...... (gibberish)... So, kamusta kayo?"

it was a night of LAUGH TRIP, JOKE TIME, CATCH UP. saya mehn! daming joke ni burn.

Joke #1: knock knock. who's there? LADY GAGA. Lady Gaga who? ♫ kung LADY GAGA kaaaa, sa piling ng ibaaaaaa ♫

joke #2: knock knock. who's there? AUTOLOAD. Autoload who? ♫ Nothing's gonna change my love for you. You AUTOLOAD by now how much i love you.... ♫

at marami pang ibang katatawanan. sa Guilid ng saGuijo kami tumambay kasi naurong nang naurong ang line up ng milagros dancehall collective (banda ni mr c) kasi late si robert (feeling kilala). inom sopdrinks sa plastic. nguya ng judge. kain ng sky flakes. ihiin ang beer na ininom (di tlaga ako malasing lasing. iniihi ko lang ang beer. boohooo) tas picture picture.......

12.00am - Umalis na sila mygz at erick. =(

12.30am/1am - nakatugtog na finally sila mr. c... lupet! nag transform si mr. c. astig pala ng dancehall reggae. nakakaindak din! ang init sa loob. was sweating like a pig. nana had to leave because she said she was inhaling way too much carbon dioxide. after their tugtog, nana and i went outside to inhale lots and lots of oxygen. tas tawanan ulet with sila burn at muffet. we couldn't go home yet coz mr. c's weapons of choice were borrowed by the next band.

3am - gig finally over. mr. c, nana and i left saGuijo and headed to Cainta. stopped over Tropical hut cainta kasi tomjones na ang mga kasama. then, mr. c dropped nana and i home. (i warned mr. c that my house is faaaaar, but he insisted. ayun. konti na lang, mauubusan na ng gas)

4am - home sweet home. nana and i got ready for bed. but we ended up chit-chatting.

5.30.6am - finally dozed off......

twas a FUN FUN day! Beautiful wedding! Nice get together! Awesome gig! What a day!

steeeeeeeeg!

I ♥

2009-12-28T12:34:00.004+08:00

I'm sensing good vibes for the coming year. The hurdles and trials are all behind me and i now look forward to a life giving year. :)

This post is quite simple, yet quite uplifting in a sense. I just wanted to list down things that I love.

I love UBE.
I love Ube Ice Cream.
I love taho. The warmer, the better.
I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee
I love breakfast.
I love diners.
I love reddish nail polish.
I love BlackBerries. (And I'm sure I'm going to love Iphones, if ever I'd get to have one)
I love books.
I love little notepads.
I love yogurt.
I love digital SLRs.
I love photographs, especially portraits.
I love black and white photography.
I love country music.
I love Christmas Carols and Christmas Songs.
I love okra.
I love egg pies.
I love PIZZA.
I love PASTA.
I love Sbarro.
I love scarfs.
I love jackets.
I love puppies.
I love pinoy spaghetti.
I love hugs.
I love kisses.
I love sniff kisses from my grannies.
I love holding hands while walking.
I love the shiver up my spine when I say "I love you". (It means, i don't say it automatically)
I love flip-flops.
I love receiving flowers from loved ones.
I love receiving notes from my students.
I love smiles.
I love running.
I love yoga.
I love praying.
I love singing.
I love green.
I love loving and being loved.

pasko na!

2009-12-27T11:53:00.003+08:00

Pasko na!

Actually, lampas na pasko.

I kinda like this Christmas. It was peaceful, stress-free and simple.

Been eating fruit/buko salad, spaghetti, ube and leche flan for 4 straight days, since granny's birthday last 23rd of December.

23 December - kuya mac and i went to the supermarket to buy stuffies for granny's birthday and for Christmas. Our menu included: spaghetti/macaroni, graham ref cake, buko salad, potato ham salad, chicken wings, chicken lollipop, inihaw na liempo, and sweet and sour fish. Simple pero solb!

23 pa lang, been cooking like crazy na. Cousins and aunts came over. 73rd birthday ni granny... 24, luto ulit. then come xmas day, i went to babyann's place.. videoke, eat ulit at nuod ng avatar. laugh-trip again..

i dunno what's with this yuletide season, but i'm getting good vibes. no pressure. im not sad or anything. even if malamig ang pasko at wala ang parentals, masaya pa rin ang pasko... dunno how else to explain it. basta ganun. happy ang pasko. :)

chopsuey

2009-12-13T00:29:00.003+08:00

mixed veggies. yan ang chopsuey.

capcai here...

or maybe hjntim.....

to dodge or not to dodge, that is the question

2009-11-29T23:12:00.000+08:00

I've been dodging balls for quite some time now. It's easy, actually, the art of dodging.. Just don't hesitate. And the best tool for dodging is laughing.. Oh, and changing the topic's great too. I've grown accustomed to it that sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it..

But lately I've been pondering on the idea of NOT dodging anymore..

Dodging may be easy WHEN I'm actually doing it, but thinking about it afterwards is quite problematic..

What if, just what if, I quite dodging and just go along with it..

What if I trust that things that are meant to happen, are bound to happen, whether good or bad.

What if, I keep myself open? Yes, pain is inevitable. But keeping myself safe will not make me feel any pain, nor will it allow me to feel any joy..

What if... I stop dodging and start embracing?

What if?

ert's balde list

2009-11-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to try doing things. For kicks. So far, nothing illegal has come to mind. I've always pondered on doing them someday. I've never had the chance to do them, first because of the lack of funds as a kid, 2nd, some of the things I wanna do, I wanna do it with a friend, and 3rd, the opportunity just hasn't come my way yet, or shall I say I do not make a conscious effort in being able to realize a dream.

Now mind you, my dreams aren't extravagant. They're simple. And there's so lavish reason for wanting to do them, I just want to.

Here's my list:

1.) Play paintball - now this, heaven permit, I'd get to do tomorrow during the faculty outing. I just think it's fun. It's safe, it's not that violent. I just have a feeling that I'd be good at it, I dunno why.

2.) Drive a racecar at full speed - I've never driven a car before, but I have a feeling I'm good at driving a racecar. I dunno why. I think minus the pressure of hitting someone or crashing into someone else's car, I think I'd do good racing.

3.) Sing in a hotel - one set lang. I dunno why, I just wanna do it. I don't wanna do it for a living, I just wanna be able to sing maybe 3 songs in a hotel. Or anywhere na libre. I don't want people to pay their way in. I just wanna sing.

4.) Dance hip-hop. I really want to join a hiphop class in the gym for the longest time. I just wanna dance. I don't think I'm good at it, I just wanna dance. And smile the whole time and flip my hair and pant. I don't want ballroom dancing. I want hip hop.

5.) Wall climb - now this I wanna do regularly. There's something about relying your life on a rope as you make your way up a wall. But I also wanna try a real rock wall.

6.) Join Singles For Christ - I've always wanted to, just had no one to bring with me. I wanna join with a friend. But so far, no one has shown interest except for one. But I dunno if he'd pull through.

7.) Play soccer - here's anothing sport/activity that I think I'd be good at. I dunno why! I jut wanna kick the damn ball! There's something so appealing about kicking a soccer ball around the field while making sure an opponent will not kick it too. There's also something so enticing about making the ball go to the goal without the use of hands.

8.) Surf! - I've always wanted to surf! Balancing thy self on a board while the ocen rocks you around, now that's an adventure! I've a feeling it would be like flying. Moving through water is like flying!

So far that's all my brain can think of. Will update for more to-do's and when I've gotten to do each one..

(Unedited)

universe conspiring

2009-11-15T11:24:00.000+08:00

One of my favorite Paolo Coelho quotes is from the first novel I ever finished, The Alchemist. It says: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

I really believe that the universe does conspire to help you get what your heart desires. But I also believe the universe cannot be fooled. It knows what is deep inside your heart. I believe it listens only to the heart, and it ignores the head. Because your desires comes from the heart, and the head tries to make sense of the desires of the heart. That's why sometimes, we don't get to do what we desire to because the head leads you elsewhere, for self-preservation of sorts.

The universe, however, believes the heart. But I'm beginning to understand that only if the person acknowledges the desires of the heart, that is only when the universe will start to move the earth. If you deny what your heart speaks of, then, the universe will not conspire in your favor.

But then, yes, the universe will conspire, still, it needs you to act. The way has been paved for you, all you need to do is tread on the steps and go on your way to reach what you desire. Thus, the universe needs you to be valiant.

Recently, the universe heard the desires of my heart. For a long time, my head was convincing me about something. But I knew in my heart, I knew in my heart that the time hasn't arrived yet. Until one time, I heard my heart speak. It's so raw, so sincere, so real. Indeed, I was ready.

It wasn't my head that spoke, but it was my heart. And so, I said it out loud. I'm ready.

And the universe heard me. Since then, my life has been twisted and turned. It felt like going on a roller coaster ride; it scared the hell out of me, but since I chose to ride on it, all there is left to do is to enjoy the ride, even if throwing up is the most appealing thing to do.

But I really am ready. And so the universe paved the way. All I need to do is walk in the path that would lead to something I really want. Still, I have a choice. Do I stay at the harbor where a boat is safe? Or do I set my sail and go forth into the sea, where uncertainty awaits? A boat is safe at the harbor, but it's not fulfilling its purpose, Paolo Coelho said. Indeed, I've decided to let go and go forth. Yes, uncertainty awaits, yet, good things also await me on the other side of the sea. I just need to press on and believe that this is what I want and no matter how stormy the sea can get, I need to continue on my journey. Otherwise, despite being safe, I'd never get to really live.

I remember the movie Meet Joe Black. I watched it again yesterday. When I first saw that movie, it didn't appeal to me as much. Now, its message rings true:

"To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived at all."

Okay, so yes, I'm talking about love.

Months ago, my friend asked me if I were ready to date. I stuttered and didn't really get a clear answer. After her asking me that, I've started pondering about it for weeks, months. Until one day, I just knew. I just felt it. I was ready. I remember writing it here on my blog. I'm ready, I said.

Day after I spoke those two words, my world shook.

And it hasn't stopped shaking since.

It's difficult at times, but wouldn't have it any other way. Because now, I feel like I'm actually living.

C'est la vie! That's life.

crossroads

2009-11-15T11:23:00.000+08:00

"You know how every now and then, you have a moment where your whole life stretches out ahead of you like a forked road, and even as you choose one gritty path you've got your eyes on the other the whole time, certain that you're making a mistake."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper)

as raw as it can get

2009-11-08T21:08:00.002+08:00

That sums it all up. 2009 isn't really my year. Maybe because I've invited negative energies by admitting that it is a hell year, it really has become that. I guess I need to change my way of seeing things.

The past week has proven to be a very heart-aching week. I never though I could have my heart broken by circumstances that doesn't involve boyfriends or crushes.

It has been a trying week. And it has brought out some traits I didn't know I had. I realized I have a baby tiger heart. I can be feisty ang fierce whenn circumstances call for it, but at the same time, I do not attack. I have held my ground, and I refused to be pushed down. But at the same time, I do not push others down. I can defend myself as I remain truthful, and I can respect others as I try to remain respectful.

I have also reflected a lot this week, and I have seen where my mistakes are. Yet, call me stubborn, arrogant even, but I think I would have done the same thing. Therefore, maybe in my arrogance, I refuse to call them mistakes, but choices I've made. They may have been 'good' or 'bad' choicesn but they are mine. although I refuse to believe that I have chosen certain actions at the expense of another.

The hard part about the rut I am in now is that I go over it a million times, and I still feel frustrated. Maybe because I really do feel in my gut that, even if things spiraled out of control, I really believe in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong. And I shake my head as I remember the things said to me, the looks, the messages. My whole body is screaming to be understood because I am not. People put words into my mouth. They dictate what I'm supposed to feel and they have built this image of who I'm supposed to be as opposed to who I really am, what I really feel and what I really said. It is as frustrating as you can imagine.

I was beginning to ponder on the notion that loneliness has made people they way they are, instead of happiness. It this the effect of living far from home, being alone with your thoughts?

Welcome to the real world, john mayer said. Well if this is the real world then what an awful world this is.

I am not saying I am better than everyone else. I am far from being called good, what more, better. But the thing is, I know when I'm wrong, and I admit it. Some people have the capabity of twisting and turning things to make you feel bad about yourself.

I really dunno what to say about that..

I just can't wait for things to be better.

Maybe what I am most frustrated about is that, things are starting to get civil, but they missed the whole point. The issue is no longer how things started which made me to what I'd did, but the issue now is how wrectched I've become in their eyes. I've said my piece, and people heard what I said, but I don't think anyone listened.

It's not a good feeling, not being able to be listened to. It's different from being invisible (something I used to be). If people don't notice you, it's fine. But if people see you, but don't look at you, if they touch you, but don't feel you, if they hear you, but don't listen to you, that's immensely hurtful. Because if people don't care in the first place, if they don't care now, then nothing has changed, no pain because there was no love to begin with. But if they care then stopped, that entices a lot of pain to flood your system. Because the care and the love stopped.

I've always loved petchai's honesty (nanaxiu.blogspot.com). As a true friend, she tells me her piece, wrapped with care but filled with truth. And I appreciate it. I've always know she's the wisest amongst us friends. And her not caring about it makes her more wise. Amidst my encounters this week, petchai has been there to offer advice, to tell me the wrong turns I made. But she has never hurt me (except maybe the time that when we had tampuhan and she didn't get toothpaste from me - no hand-press marks on my colgate, therefore, she is mad). Petchai had always cared. I know this for a fact. Even if I know I make her ears bleed because of my constant blabber. Still, she is there when I need her.

Times like this make you treasure people that you love the most. My friend maye, was correct in saying that love is in the routine. Petchai and I always chat. It's basically a routine, because people come and go in my life, but petchai is still there to buzz me. Late nights are chat nights with petchai. And like seeing a jeep/fx that says 'Cainta', or being able to find waldo in where' waldo, or finding your pakaw amidst the stuff on the floor, seeing her name pop up my window gives me great comfort. I owe you a lot petch. And yes, I do feel better now. Knowing that I might have experienced hell this year, I have found heaven in my friendship with you.

I don't think I've told you, but you're the first person I told when my granny dies. You were the first person I talked to (cried to actually). And I guess, in your silence, you knew well enough that my knowing that someone is there to listen to me cry, meant the world to me.

I think it was from for me NOT to have thanked you enough. Thank you. You are the best.

And so that concludes my journal/thankyou entry. I guess my only goal for writing this is to let it all out. And knowing that petchai can and will read it, adds comfort. The world is too big not to have someone look at you, feel you and listen to you.

And so I refuse to call this year hell year, but just a challenging year. Whem you're down, there's no other way but up.

It will be a bright year-end.. The storm has passed. The rainbow is on it's way. Life is still good, despite the hurdles.

*hating all the typos and the grammar errors, but it wouldn't be true to its title if I change it. To hell with grammar.

exactly what i need

2009-10-28T17:17:00.002+08:00

this is exactly what I need. Although this isn't what I want, I do believe that I need this. It's perfect in it's own way. It was chipped a bit at the beginning, but it's beginning to have its form and so far, I am happy with what it looks like now, even if the work hasn't been finished yet. It's perfect the way it is. It's not rushed.

The end of my uneventful life

2009-10-14T20:58:00.002+08:00

gossip...

there's nothing worse than gossip.

one because it's not true.
two, because no matter what you say, people will assume that there is even just a hint of truth in it, since the gossip was out in the open.
three, because gossip is more interesting than the truth.

I hate gossip, especially if the gossip involves me.

---

I've led a pretty uneventful life here in the land of earthquakes, tsunamis orangutans and rainforests.

Yes it was boring, but it was peaceful. and i liked it that way.

until i was shaken...

It wasn't my fault. I was just minding my own business.

But no matter what i tell my mother, she insists that what's happening is due to my actions.

I'm really an adult now. i can feel the intrigues. I've never been in one before, so this is new to me...

It's confusing. It's contradicting.

Today, I can HONESTLY say that I deserve to walk with my head up high because I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. Not even a hint of malicious deeds.

And yet, intrigues arrived uninvited.

Hindi pala porke't sinusubukan mo nang magpakabait, tatantanan ka na ng gulo.

Hindi pala porke't wala kang ginagawang masama, eh wala nang masamang mangyayari sayo...

and all that is left is to have faith. Faith that God will walk with me amidst this hoopla. Because I am very certian that I cannot handle this on my own.

All shall be well...

blog about somthing else

2009-10-07T23:41:00.002+08:00

God help me blog about something else....... puhlease Lord!!!

I can see clearly now

2009-09-22T00:09:00.002+08:00

I had a good talk with my cousin, Babyann. And unlike everyone I've talked to recently about my concerns, she helped me see things clearly. Not that other people's opinions and pieces of advice weren't valued, it's just that sometimes, it's good to have an outsider who can look at things with a fresh pair of eyes and be able to see the big picture.

And so today, as Nana wanted me to be, ages ago, I chill... I can honestly say I'm chillin'...

And I think with this new realization, I'm looking forward to bright sun-shiny days...

She's right. It was a normal reaction...

And so with that, I wish people would just let things flow.

Release.
Flow.
Trust.
Believe.

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day!!!

It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day

2009-09-21T23:35:00.004+08:00

♫ I can see clearly now, the rain is gone ♫
♫ I can see all obstacles in my way ♫
♫ Gone are the dark clouds that had me down ♫
♫ It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day ♫

a photo that says it all

2009-09-21T12:36:00.004+08:00

Is there a need for me to say anything?

*photo credit: anna cuevas

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

2009-09-19T23:18:00.006+08:00

Kung GUSTO, maraming PARAAN, kung AYAW, maraming DAHILAN...

Quit beating around the bush and just cut to the chase.

"Seize the day" shouldn't just be an expression. Seizing the day should be a lifestyle.

grow some balls pare

2009-09-19T12:36:00.006+08:00

Cut
______ the
____________ crap
__________________ and
________________________ grow
______________________________ some
____________________________________ balls
__________________________________________pare...

waiting for the glorious mystery

2009-09-17T00:43:00.002+08:00

HOPE...

It is very easy to be hopeless but it takes a whole lot of effort to become hopeful whenever you feel you're against all odds, especially if there are those scumbags who suck away all hope you've meticulously mustered through the years.

I am trying my very best to stay hopeful, although I have every reason to believe that hope isn't something I am capable of having. For years on end, I've always felt that if something good happens to you, something bad is likely to happen too. I cannot really recall why I came up with this idea, but I've always believed in it, that's why I've been very suspicious of good things that come my way. But later on, as I strengthened my faith, I've managed to trust that things happen for a reason, be them good or bad. They're bound to mold you into the best person you can be, that's why challenges come our way.

Lately, I've been rolling my eyes a great deal as I utter arrogantly the word "whatever". It was my way of saying 'yeah right, whatever happens, this is all crap, what's the use?' I became hopeless again. I started to doubt that I was good enough, important enough, for God to bless me. The self-confidence that I've painstakingly built over the years of insecurities came crashing down.

I knew it, i said to myself, as if i really knew all along that things would happen the way they did. It was a way for me to console my bruised ego.

I am trying to be hopeful. I am trying my very best to rebuild whatever is left of myself. It is hard, but I have to do it, otherwise, I'd go back to being the same old broken-spirited me.

Prayers are helping a whole lot. God grant me hope...

The pseudo-joyful mystery is over, sorrowful mystery is eating my alive. How I wish the glorious mystery would come soon.

It all came so easy

2009-09-04T00:32:00.002+08:00

Everything came easy.

I never had it easy. never. something always comes up and I'd push things that are not meant to be pushed.

But for some reason, everything about this came easy. And continues to come easy.

And this feels right as well...

But the cynical in me hinders me from believing that this could actually be good for me. That this is blessed, and that this is a actually a gift.

This feels just about right...

And this is new to me, sadly. So I'm terrified as hell...

when u purely want something

2009-08-24T21:15:00.004+08:00

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." - Paolo Coelho

--

I've been trying to understand what that quote meant, for ages. I mean, I have "wanted" many things in my life, yet I never really got them, or achieved them.

But recently, I've learned to understand what this really meant. The universe also listens to the unspoken words your soul exudes; it also looks into the reasons behind your wanting something. What you say sometimes doesn't count, since people tend to misuse and abuse words to suit their desires. It doesn't listen to what you say but it listens to how you feel. And when the universe senses that deep desire in your heart, that's when it conspires in helping you to achieve that thing you want, whether or not you have whispered it to the universe.

---

funny how the universe conspired to help me feel what I needed to feel for ages.

---

it is sometimes in the simplicity of things that our souls are most happy with...

and in the wise words my dear friend nana has spoken, tatanggapin ko ito ng buong buo. =)

salamat universe. salamat Lord, ang maylikha ng universe!

saturday blues and clues

2009-08-22T09:18:00.007+08:00

So i guess the "I'm not happy" episode was just pms.. I really ought to learn to read signs.. Because now, i am happy... ü

---

In less than a month, I'd be in Manila again! I can't wait! I haven't had a real vacation since March. I was planning on going to Ilocos last June/July, but since granny got sick and eventually passed away, my plans vanished. I was soo looking forward to my trip with Ayi.

And so, September is fast approaching! I really can't wait to satiate my wanderlust!

A lot of people are telling me to "not" plan anything, because spontaneous trips are better than planned trips. This, for me, is a very weird advice. Don't we "plan" things, so they push through? I'm an organizer. I mean, i could be disorganized, but my head operates in an organized way. I have to-do lists, I schedule things up. I cannot live without a calendar. So this, "not planning" thing is quite new to me. I'm thinking of giving it a try. But I'm scared that I'll waste my precious 2 week vacation as i wait for that spontaneous travel thing.

I'm excited, but I don't want to get too excited, because last June, i was quite excited for our Ilocos trip, only to get my hopes up.

---

I woke up at 5am today. I woke up with a start - for no reason at all. The alarm didn't go off. It's a Saturday. My alarm is for weekdays only. But I woke up, at around 5:09 am, stood up. Looked at my cellphone to read the time. Opened the door. Then stopped myself halfway, because I realized what I was doing was silly. Where the heck am I going? It's a Saturday. I went back to bed, only to stare blankly at the wall. My eyes were wide open. I really was awake. And i knew I would not be able to go back to sleep no matter how hard I try. Then I wondered about checking my students' worksheets.

So i got up, went to the loo, then took all the worksheets I need to check. Brought them to my work station. Turned on my laptop, went online, twittered about my morning adventure, checked facebook, then, went on checking worksheets.

It doesn't make sense, I know. I'm just puzzled with this waking up early thing. Petchai says, I'm like a lola, coz they wake up early everyday. har har.. I can't seem to wake up early every weekday even if I need to wake up early to go to work, but since last weekend, I've been waking up quite early on days without work. 2 weeks ago, I woke up at 3:00am on a holiday. Last Sunday, I woke up at 6am. I knew i couldn't go back to sleep anymore, so i washed my face, brushed my teeth, got my mat, and did yoga.

So I dunno. What the heck is up with my system???

---

I don't know why, but when i mention your name, i get shiver up my spine. I try to look around to see if people notice the changes that happen when i utter your name. Funny how nobody notices; how oblivious everyone is... Now the question remains... is it happy shivers or scary shivers? God knows... But I'm in no hurry to find out...

---

found out my paternal granny is itching all over. this is all too familiar. my +grandaunt started with a swollen eyebrow, which escalated to dry, flaky and itchy skin, complications of her diabetes. found out about this through my brother, and the tears just came uninvited. no, God, please no.

when it rains, it pours...

2009-08-16T19:11:00.001+08:00

Indeed, for years on end, I've been feeling as if life has been utterly unfair. My heart got broken, I lost loved ones, I felt betrayed and alone, I felt down and low.

But now i feel as if God is giving me a break. And not just that. Things are starting to get better. Things are actually great. This, i haven't felt in ages.

Indeed, God answers our prayers in His time. He makes sure you are ready for what is to come, and that you've learned all the valuable lessons you need to learn before he gives us what we want, and much much more.

I am not saying life is perfect. It never is, and will never be. But what I am most grateful for is the fact that God hasn't given up on me. He has something great in store for me all the time. He gave me His graces when I would appreciate them the most, and when the timing would be perfect.

And the timing is perfect. =) My graces are overflowing. =) My spirits are high. =) I've never felt so blessed...

what to say about that...

2009-08-15T17:39:00.004+08:00

I've so many things to say, yet, i can't find the appropriate words... so let me just attempt...

everything's just not what I expected. And my body's manifesting all these stress signs. I'm losing weight, for crying out loud! Hope I won't lose my hair. My hands are sweaty, my tummy's rumbling constantly, 24/7, I've lost my appetite (which is very very very unusual. i never lose my appetite!), and i barely sleep. I cannot still my mind, and my heart is palpitating like crazy. I'm starting to think that this is a panic attack, a constant panic attack. And the thing is, there is nothing to do. Nothing. I'm not supposed to do anything, not because I can't do anything or what have you. There's really just nothing to do about it. It's not like a question that requires an answer. And that's the frustrating part. Everything that's happening isn't good, nor bad... It just IS. Golly.

I just wish I could still my mind... That would be great. ü

...

nana said, it's not panic attack, but Anxiety Attack.. sheesh

I'd like to feel now

2009-08-11T16:49:00.003+08:00

How can i "not" be happy? I mean, I've no reason to be sad. But home come I'm not happy?

Doesn't it go hand in hand? When you're "not" sad, then you're supposed to be happy, right?

Dagnabbit... I am not happy. And it's not like I'm ungrateful for God's blessings. I am! But how come I'm not happy? How come I feel this emptiness. This hollowness that I feel might as well swallow me up like the black hole. How come, with no worries at all, can I "not" feel happiness?

It's not fair. I should feel happy, because I've no worries. No critical worries that would evidently cause mishap to me and my family. At least I should feel a wee bit of happiness, right?

But right now, all i feel is... emptiness... hollowness... nothingness.

How can I feel nothing? Nothing? It doesn't exist, right? Saying you have nothing doesn't really make sense. How can you "have" something that does not exist? How can you "have" "nothing"? Therefore, how can I feel "nothing". If it's nothing, then, I shouldn't feel it.

Still, I feel nothing. I feel empty. I feel like I'm waiting for nothing.

I want to start now. I'm ready. I want to feel now.

Envious for the wrong reasons

2009-08-09T13:29:00.012+08:00

I must admit. I am a wee bit envious. Envious is the word, I suppose. I've been looking at photos, videos of former classmates and close friends. Some wedding photos, some photos of them with their husbands, some with their children. I, of course, would be lying if i say that I don't feel even just a hint of envy. I do. Actually, it's not just a hint, but a pang. And I really can't deny it. And because of this, i was thinking about my future a lot these past few days. (naks!)

My brothers are 2 and 3 years my senior. They're both single. It means that if one gets married next year, and then the other the year after, then, as the pamahiin goes, I cannot get married the same year (sukob!) so I'm free to marry in in 3 years' time! Hence, if kuya #1 gets married in 2010, and kuya #2 gets married in 2011. Then, I can get married in 2012 onwards. That's 3 years from now, provided that kuya #1 and 2 get married at the years mentioned. Otherwise, years would add up before I could finally get married. I'm turning 27 in October, so, therefore, I'd get married in my 30s! My gawd! Never did i think I'd get married in my 30s!

But isn't that a wrong way of seeing things? I shouldn't want get married just because I'm almost 30, or because I'm envious of my classmates and friends. I shouldn't succumb to the pressure of getting married because I'm "at the right age". What is the right age to get married anyway? It's not like there's a formula or a law we need to follow. Yes, i do have a biological clock, but whoever said the this clock is a determinant of when I would choose to get married?

---

I've mentioned this to my mom. I told her that if my brothers would get married in the next two years, then it would take me 3 years before i can finally get married! And of course, the mother that she is, she pulled me back down to reality, saying that I don't even have a boyfriend! how come I'm worried about the year I'd get married! She further stressed that I should find a boyfriend first before i think about which year i should get married! true true true. indeed, I'm so preoccupied with the 'wedding', like all girls are, and i don't get to think much about the groom. With the rate I'm going, I really don't have any prospects. Nana said that I've got a lot of 'boys'. But really, I do not have the slightest chance of having a significant other anytime soon. The 'boys' are friends that she likes to tease me with. She teases me with any guy i mention to her, by the way. It doesn't help me to become totally platonic, but it's fun, sometimes, you know, being teased.

--- Charie, my co-teacher, is so into Feng Shui. She told me some interesting ways of attracting your 'mate'. She helped me buy this pair of mandarin duck figurines that i was supposed to wash with salt water, dry in the sun, then placed in the west side of my bedroom where no one will get to touch it. She also told me to move my bed and position it in a way that it's passable from all sides. I didn't follow any of her love attraction advice. I just can't... I mean, I know it'll work, not just because of the Feng Shui chuvaness, but because of the positive energy that I would exude after following her advice. I really think it'll work. But i can't do it. I mentally and emotionally cannot. That's what's weird about me. I want to, but i don't want to. I mean, I do want to find my match, but I don't think I'm ready to. I'm scared and I'm freaked out by the idea of starting a relationship! Jologs, right? Yeah, so i guess, that's why no matter how i much i pray, God isn't granting me my prayers. Because He knows, and I know for a fact, that I am not as ready as I'd want to be. I guess, knowing myself, I really need to have the right reasons for getting married, and for having children. Otherwise, I'm doomed. Others would have families by default, and sometimes, it works for them. But i don't think it'll work for me.

So thank you Lord, for not answering my prayers yet. I hope you will make me ready. Because heaven knows, I'm a galaxy away from being ready to start a relationship again, let alone start my own family...

Bored being bored

2009-08-09T12:55:00.003+08:00

So I've been bored to death for the past few days. My usual ka-chikas are nowhere in sight. One is stuck somewhere in the world with no free wifi (has to gulp tons of coffee for the free wifi - this proves to be unhealthy since having enough sleep is a must if you're fixing planes) The other kachika is busy doing school work. Darn school work. Although I'm proud of her self-discipline.

And so, I just learned that I'd have an additional 2 days of boredom. Classes were suspended as the school will be disinfected due to the possible case of A(H1N1). If i heard this news, a few years back, I would have jumped for joy. But since I'm now the teacher, and exams are fast approaching (plus the fact that I'll be home alone again, alone in dealing with my boredom), I do not like the news one bit. It means I'd have to fast-track my lessons for the 2 days we'll miss.

Oh well, at least I'd have 2 extra days to plan for my lessons. Still, the boredom is starting to kill me. I've 3 books yet to read, but i can't seem to get myself to read continuously. maybe because the book isn't as captivating as the other books I've read. The book we're talking about here is My Sister's Keeper. Yeah, it's a nice book, but not as powerful as I'd hoped it would be.

We have tons of new channels on cable. I have no idea why we have all these channels. I mean I'm not complaining or anything. It's just that I won't spend extra Rupiahs for these channels, since I didn't avail of anything. But even if we've got tons of new channels, I don't think I'm in the mood to watch TV nowadays.

I've uploaded pictures I've been meaning to upload. What is there left to do? I dunno...

Hay bored to death. Yan ang hirap nang nasasanay na may mahabang kausap eh...

Well, I guess I better get myself used to being by myself again. It's not fun at all. Not at all...

Wanderlust is still kicking in, but I've stopped looking at the lonely planet website. I just feel all the more frustrated. I know that if i really want to, I can try to save money, so I can go to the places i want to go to. But I dunno. I know myself all too well. I might not have the courage to spend all that money for myself only. I might give it away for someone else's education or something. I'm not trying to sound modest here, not at all. It's just that I was brought up this way. It's impossible for me to spend a lot of money on myself when i know that the money that i would spend would already mean a cousin's entire high school tuition fee, or would pay for an uncle's operation. Guilt will just try to kill me. So yeah, i dunno if i could ever go to Turkey, Jordan, Greece, or Egypt. Maybe I will, if someone sponsors me! ha ha! as if!

yeah so. I've nothing to do, no one to talk to. Sunday is really doing it's job. bummer..

So off i go, doing nothing. ciao!

Love, Love, Love

2009-08-07T00:14:00.002+08:00

The love you give is yours.

They can REJECT it...

But they cannot DESTROY it...

They would just be missing out on something great...

becoming...

2009-08-03T11:49:00.003+08:00

Be the friend you'd want to have.
Be the person you admire.
Be the son or daughter you wish you'd have.
Be the loved one you long for.
Be who you'd wish to have in your life.

blurred shots and relationships

2009-08-01T23:18:00.004+08:00

most of the time, i always take off my glasses whenever I'd shoot using my DSLR. it has become sort of a habit, and i feel more comfortable in taking shots because i could press my eye more on the viewfinder. In doing so, i can 'see the bigger picture'.

yet, oftentimes, shots that i think are great are actually blurred. I'd only find out whenever I'd upload them on my laptop. this is of course, because, my vision isn't exactly 20-20...

and i don't want to be cheesy or what. but...

it's like falling in love.

if only I'd learn to wear my glasses every time i take shots, then i would have known if the shot I've taken is blurred or not. so that if it is, i could try to take another shot, learning from the mistakes of my previous shot. i wouldn't have to wait for the time I've saved the photo on my laptop before I'd see my mistakes. by then, the 'decisive moment' may have already passed.

the same is true when it comes to romantic relationships. if only we'd learn to use our head while we're in love. we'd see things clearly. we'd see everything for what they really are and if ever we make mistakes, we'd get to correct them before it's too late.

the etymology of the word "Wanderluster"

2009-08-01T16:13:00.017+08:00

So the name of my blog is wanderluster. i know that 'wanderluster' is not really a word.. :D wanderlust means the urge or mega ultra strong desire to travel. and that is what i friggin feel every single bloody day. and since i have yet to find a more suitable translation of the word "ilusyonadang lakwatsera", then i decided to make my own word: "wanderluster" because i am someone who always get that nagging feeling that i want to go places. excuse me, please mind the difference, wanderlust is the strong desire to travel. and not the act of going places. someone who 'desires' to go places feels wanderlust. ergo, in the ertling dictionary, a wanderluster is someone who always has that constant desire to travel or go places. i am such a person. i always wanna go places. but i never get to go. i always wanna travel, but my plans oftentimes don't push through.

it's a pity, i know. although i've been travelling a wee bit lot, i feel that there are just so many places to see, and so little time. here are a list places i've been to and places i wanna go to (this one is in random order, since i am unable to decide which one is at the top of my list).

places i've been to:

PINAS:

Zambales - San Marcelino lang.. mama's from here. didn't get to go anywhere but san marcelino. bummer.

Albay - papa's from Oas. didn't really go anywhere but the reservoir and the ilog.
- got to go to Cagsawa Ruins with friends last 2007.

Cebu - went here in HS with grandma and her co-teachers. went to lapu-lapu shrine, saw the magellan cross. went to cocoboy's house. i can't believe only sharon, my co-teacher now remembers cocoboy. he's this young lad who supposedly had healing powers so people flocked to his house. can't really remember much from the cebu trip. just remembered it was really really hot in Cebu.

Dumaguete - same trip as the cebu trip. HS with grandma. 1st time sa supercat! went to see the beautiful Casaroro Falls. i think my love for photography and nature started during this trip. went also to see the Cayaso Cave, with underground river (if i'm not mistaken, cayaso nga!) went on a stroll in the boulevard, went to Siliman University and their by the beach marine biology extension. wondered if i learned to swim, maybe mama will allow me to move to dumaguete and take up Marine biology. twas also during that trip that I decided that someday, i want to live in Dumageute.

Davao - HS days with granny again. can't remember much about my davao trip. only that it always drizzled in the afternoon and the fruits were abundant. oh i think we also went to Samal Island.

Bohol - HS with granny again. went to (but of course) the chocolate hills, saw the Baclayon church, and the tarsier. (which i learned afterwards, is a nocturnal animal. so inaabala pala namin ang tulog nya nun. feeling call center agent tuloy sya.)

CDO / Bukidnon - 2001 and 2002. volunteered for our sister school, Xavier de Kibangay High School. fell in love with the place, and the kids. ang ganda sa bukidnon! still in contact with some 'students' we taught during our summer program. went to see the talaandig tribe in Sonco, Lantapan, Bukidnon. my friends and I decided to form an ethnic band after our 2002 trip. learned i was good in playing the kubing. and learned it's the only instrument im good at playing.. haha.

Bacolod / Silay / EB. Magalona / Victorias / Murcia (Neg Occ) - lived in EB Magalona for a year, 2003-2004 as a volunteer for the Associate Missionaries of the Assumption. Worked for a foundation in Silay. Got to go to the different haciendas. Kasama na lakwatsa. Went to see the Masskara festival too

Kalibo Aklan - 2003 ata. went to ate rebie's place with ayen at ate melods, my AMA partner. saw the Ati-atihan!!!

Boracay - 2004. went with ate rebie, ate ayen, ate melods and christine, our silay friend to Bora, just a van and boat ride from Ate rebie's place. was on a budget of course, since i was a volunteer. bora's beach is pristine, just didn't like the bulk of people around.

Iloilo / Guimaras - between 2001-2004 went to the assumption convent during our bukidnon trip. stayed there for our Orsem in AMA. loved the people there. in 2004, saw the Dinagyang Festival!

Banaue - First time nung HS with grandma and her co-teachers. enchanting place. 2nd time, with associate missionaries of the assumption AMA batch mates.

Sagada - 2004 with AMA batch mates. very enchanting place. i love the sumaging cave and the yogurt house. didn't get to go to echo valley though. loved the church

Batad - 2004 with AMA batch mates. on the way here, from sagada/bontoc, we met some interesting people

Bontoc - 2004 with AMA batch mates. drop off point from Manila on our way to Sagada. My friend and i tasted their halo-halo with corn and macaroni noodles! interesting. museum was closed. bummer.

Baguio - syempre. plus cagayan valley for the strawberry farm

Quezon - beach and pahiyas festival

Cauayan, Campomanes, Neg Occ - 2006. area visit for immersion (ended up not going there because of the traumatic boat ride from manila to bacolod.. no more boat rides for us since then) Talusan Pt is soooo beautiful. saw small wind turbines in Cauayan.

Mt Pulag - 2007 2nd highest peak in the Philippines! highest peak in Luzon! sobrang GANDA! went with co-workers in AC plus some friends and the ex.

Naga - lived there for more than two months in 2007, first to study and to forget, then to just simply forget.

Pili - CWC! CamSur Watersports Complex! Wakeboarding in 2007! well, more of knee boarding!

Donsol Sorsogon - buntanding watching in 2007! the best sea experience EVER! everyone should get a chance to swim with the gentle giants!!!

ABROAD:

Singapore - stop over, visa, visiting my super ultra friend na si Mygz. Singapore is indeed clean.

Indonesia - well, this is where i live now. I first came here during summer break in college. didn't really go to much interesting places except for Puncak (their version of baguio but less cool), Bogor and Bandung (factory outlets!), Taman Safari and Ancol Park

Bali, Indonesia - went to Bali with my friend/co-teacher. went to see the Uluwatu Temple, saw the Kecak dance, went shopping at this really cheap market place. oh and went rafting with another co-teacher and his sister. Bali is very enchanting! didn't get to go to the beach though. funny, right?

hrmm.. i think that's about it.. can't think any other place i went to...

---

here's a list of the places i wanna go to:

Palawan - before i die, i wanna go to Palawan

Batanes - i've been to the highest peak in Luzon, better go the the topmost part of Luzon. =)

Ilocos - wanna surf and wanna see the turbines. oh and the houses in Vigan.

EGYPT - I wanna see the pyramids, i wanna visit Cairo Museum. I wanna see king tut, and Rameses II. I wanna see real hieroglyphs, i wanna visit tombs and temples. i wanna sail in the Nile and I want to visit their library.

Petra (JORDAN) - ang ganda! i wanna visit Jordan and see the Lost City of Petra!

Turkey - I'd also want to go to Turkey! I wanna see the ruined castles, see Troy, visit the Church of St. Anthony of Padua, Hagia Sofia and many other places!

---

as of now, just really have this strong desire to go to sites of ancient civilization. but i dunno why rome is not very appealing to me..

I am a wanderluster. but oftentimes, i really have no idea where i wanna go. I just wanna go somewhere nice..

you? where do you want your feet to take you?

note: havent finished uploading pics for this post. come back later if u wanna see smore pics.. *wink

soreness and ...

2009-07-31T23:43:00.004+08:00

muscles are sore.. had a great chaturanga (flowing) yoga class last wednesday. =) i'm glad i can do some moves which i wasn't able to do before. im still no expert but im glad coz i know i really pushed myself and tried my best. =) i didn't just sit there looking as though im lost..

but since i didnt have any exercise at all for a month, after my class, my muscles went sore. it has been for a couple of days already. or maybe it has something to do with the not-so-warm water in the shower. for some reason, there was no hot water. hrmmm..

i love yoga. i really am not a fan of very rigorous exercises. parusa! but im thinking of joining body pump on monday. para maiba naman.. still, yoga is the best!

---

reading "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. am just in the first few pages.. it makes me reflect on what i would've done if i were any of the characters there...

---

can't seem to remember some HS batch mates... i've a memory problem, i tell ya.. we're having our HS reunion on my birthday, but im not sure i'm going.. if my cousin and maj, my closes HS friend, won't attend, then i'd probably wont go either. im sucha patay na bata again.. i feel like i'd be out of place if i attend, and i won't remember half of my batch mates. well, of course, one factor is that we have 12 sections. but still, i can't remember even my 4th year classmates! i can't even recall all my sections! to think i spent 11 years in that school... phoey..

---

am almost broke. had so many things to pay this month. i really dont like paying utang. even if they call it installment. i'd rather save money, then buy whatever it is i wanna buy. good thing i don't own a cc. i don't like getting my money, then paying paying paying something i got ages ago.. like my dslr.. i'm paying kuya 3 gives. although twas good na 3 gives sya, i would rather have saved money, then paid him full. lesson of the month. save, then spend, not spend then save...

---

very tamad. it's 3pm, and i haven't had breakfast or lunch coz im so tamad. just watched a movie, surfed the internet, ate polvoron. now when did saturday turn into sunday?

---

am looking at camera lenses. listing down future gastos trying to figure out when i can buy another lens. not that i don't like my lenses. just that i'm eying this canon 70-200mm lens i saw in the mall ages ago. it's second hand, so it's just about Rp 1.800.000 that's about US$180 or Php8,700.. that's 70k pag brand new! hrmm.. pero baka naduling lang ako.. imbis na 1.8 eh 11.8 million sya! haha! pero mura pa din.. 55k lang yun.... pero yun eh di ko na keri..

---

will cook now. this is not healthy... :))

San ako pupunta?

2009-07-31T01:48:00.003+08:00

kung meron akong gustong mapuntahan, anywhere in the world, san ako pupunta?

-- first thing that comes to mind.. Egypt, kasi I teach Ancient Egypt..

pero other than Egypt na helpful sa career ko. san kaya?

Di ko maisip.... Di ko tlaga maisip...

books, hooks, and crooks

2009-07-30T21:25:00.013+08:00

got my pay today. finally.. so before my money goes down the drain, i bought 3 books. i plan to read a book a week. (for the 4th week of august, i plan to read/finish ayn rand's atlas shrugged.. Dagny can't wait no longer)

just realized that all three of them have been made into movies already. i've been meaning to read them, but for some reason, i only remember to buy them when i've no money to spare. here's the list:

1.) Into the wild - non-fiction by Jon Krakauer
2.) My sister's keeper - Jodi Picoult
3.) PS, I love you - Cecilia Ahern

was intrigued by the cover of into the wild. a guy, toploading in a bus with these words written on the cover: In April 1992, a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. He had given $25,000 in savings to a charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet and invented a life for himself. four months later, his decomposed body was found by a hunter...

---

my co-teacher has been telling me about this book by jodi picoult, saying that it seems nice. it's my sister's keeper.. didn't quite get the guts to buy it coz reading through the back cover made me sad. talking about illness and all.. i've been reading the back covers of jodi picoult's books, and they're quite heartbreaking. but after seeing a trailer of the movie adaptation, i was quite impressed and decided I'd buy the book as soon as i get my hands on some money..

back cover: Sara Fitzgerald’s daughter Kate is just two years old when she is diagnosed with a rare form of leukaemia. Reeling with the helpless shock of it, Sara knows she will do anything – whatever it takes - to save her child. Then the tests results come back time and again to show that no one in their family is a match for Kate. If they are to find a donor for the crucial bone marrow transplant she needs, there is only one option: creating another baby, specifically designed to save her sister. For Sara, it seems the ideal solution. Not only does Kate live, but she gets a beautiful new daughter, Anna, too. Until the moment Anna hands Sara the papers that will rock her whole world. Because, aged thirteen, Anna has decided that she doesn’t want to help Kate live any more. She is suing her parents for the rights to her own body.

---

saw PS, I love you on Star Movies last night. My heart was aching and throbbing and i was constantly at the verge of being in tears. i was quite content by the movie, but my friend told me a friend of hers bought the book and said that the movie was quite a bit different from the book. So i was intrigued. so i bought it.

back cover: Everyone needs a guardian angel…Some people wait their whole lives to find their soul mates. But not Holly and Gerry.Childhood sweethearts, they could finish each other's sentences and even when they fought, they laughed. No one could imagine Holly and Gerry without each other.Until the unthinkable happens. Gerry's death devastates Holly. But as her 30th birthday looms, Gerry comes back to her. He's left her a bundle of notes, one for each of the months after his death, gently guiding Holly into her new life without him, each note signed 'PS, I Love You'.As the notes are gradually opened, and as the year unfolds, Holly is both cheered up and challenged. The man who knows her better than anyone sets out to teach her that life goes on. With some help from her friends, and her noisy and loving family, Holly finds herself laughing, crying, singing, dancing – and being braver than ever before.Life is for living, she realises – but it always helps if there's an angel watching over you.

---

Actually, i don't really like reading back covers. for me it spoils all the fun. so whenever i'd buy a book, it's either a recommended book by a friend, or a book from an author i love. i don't randomly buy books from the bookstore by scanning through the back covers. i don't like knowing what'll happen next. i like to keep guessing. and i love it whenever i'm wrong...

---

Nothing heavy for the next 3 weeks... im planning to finally finish reading Atlas Shrugged. it's been forever. and i think it's high time i finish reading my books...

---

i wanna try it.. just try it. if my plan flops, then it flops... if it becomes something great, then wonderful.. just can't sit here and wait.

---

i was talking to 2 ladies from work the other day. one in her 30's, and another in her early 40's (and i'm in my 20's! isnt that weirdly amazing??!(-:). all single. all ready to mingle. i don't know how the conversation went to where it went, but we ended up talking about men. my friend/coworker said, men don't like women who are smart. "too bad we're smart!" said the other. they said that men like those who will just bow to them and say amen. they added that men don't like intelligent women because we speak our mind and that crushes their ego. because they like women who are submissive.

i wonder if this is true. there is no way on this earth that i will be submissive. mataray daw kasi tlaga ako, sabi ni mama, and very controlling, so i shoo boys away. yep, that's true. but i think i am only mataray when i see and feel that i can be mataray. if i feel na kayang kaya ko sila, edi mataray ako. and im only controlling when i feel that i'm the one carrying the relationship. kung mahina yung isa, then i become the dominant one. hinahayaan kasi ako.. kaya ayun. :D

but i know that i can also be shushed. yun lang, i have yet to meet my katapat, i guess.

i dunno.. i guess i'm just really looking for my katapat. my katapat better be someone who will bring out the best in me, not the brat in me. coz i'm a brat and people around me allow me to become a brat.

well, that's quite contradicting, don't you think? i just said i don't want to be submissive, but i want someone who will put me in my place. hrrmm.. no wonder i'm still single.. i can't even explain well what I truly want.. darnit.

---

just received a very rude text.. people ought to think before they speak. words are indeed sharper than any sword there is. damn money. money can even make water thicker than blood. don't worry, you'll get what i promised. I'd never ever ask any favors from you from now on. sick crazy person. if it means that much to you, then fine. but you don't have to stick every word down my throat as if i am nothing to you. but yeah, maybe i am nothing to you. that proves it alright. i just really can't rely on anybody, especially you. i can only rely on myself. thanks for pissing me off.. only you can do that. karapat-dapat kang i-clap clap.

---

it hit me today, as i bought my 3 books. i am as emotionally attached to my books as i am to people. it's unhealthy, i know. but i realized, if, God forbid, i end up not having enough money, i'd sell my clothes, but not my books. I'm too attached to them. and im too attached to most of my possessions, like old clothes that have 'sentimental value', shoes that i don't wear, bags that i no longer use. I do give away a lot pf my stuff, but i still hoard some stuff that should already be given away. and books. i like my books. i love my books. i cover them with plastic as soon as i buy them. i don't fold them, i only lend them to people i know will return them. i'm obsessed by them. i hoard them. i'm attached to them.

i've quite an attachment thing going on. i get attached quite instantly to people, even if i don't know them AND i'm attached to my stuff..

phooey...

---

tagal naman... yoko na.. :-j

P. S. I love you

2009-07-30T00:46:00.005+08:00

Saw PS I love you on Star Movies today. (It's an adaptation from Cecelia Ahern's novel with the same title)
Why do they show nice movies whenever it's my bedtime?? Kahapon, Penelope, ngayon, PS I love you.. Lack of sleep is becoming an everyday thing..

So the entire time i was watching, my heart was hurting. it wasn't the typical love story where the usual plot evolves around love as it blossoms. It's about an amazingly ordinary love story at its end.

Young guy and young girl - they fell in love - they got married - their marriage was perfectly imperfect - they have unnecessary fights and say things they don't mean yet they always, always kiss and make up - then tragedy strikes, guy dies of a brain tumor. - girl is left alone to wallow - guy secretly plots a plan to surprise his wife, long after his death, with a birthday cake accompanied by a letter, which is actually the first of a series of letters that would eventually help his wife move on...

I wouldn't go through the whole story coz this isn't a movie review, but i just wanna go over the emotions that surround the movie. my emotions. my heart was heavy whilst i watched the movie. how unfair circumstances are. how crappy even. everything went perfect then boom, everything was taken away. and bitterness prevents you from being happy for other people's happiness. as if the world should stop since your world ended. that everyone should feel crappy since you feel like sh*t. But we don't really say these things out loud. We feel them but we don't let anyone know because they might think we're evil or something.

I dunno what I'm saying. i don't think i even have a point.

It's just, ahh.. The movie i think is quite honest. and maybe that's what we all need. Honesty. Honesty with all our emotions. Sometimes, life sucks. We cant do anything about it. We love, we get hurt. It's basically nature. We take, we give, even if unwillingly. We fall in love, we fall out of love. We smile, we cry. It's the duality of life.

I really dunno what im saying...

I was just thinking, whenever something not so pleasant happens to you, people, especially friends, who mean well, say or make you feel that 'things are going to be alright'...

But then again, they don't really know if things are going to be alright. if things will work out, if things will really fall into place.

...because sometimes, they don't.. most of the time, things do not work out. Things don't seem to make sense. The pain do not really subside, it's still where it once was.

But so what if things don't work out the way you want them to? So what if things don't make sense? So what if things suck? So what if you're still hurting?

Life goes on. With or without your consent. The world continues to either suck for some people or be sprinkled with fairy dust for some. The pain may not go away, but still, you will never be impervious to happiness.

So there. a blog entry that doesn't make sense.

So what. :)

planning, social networking sites and emotional attachments

2009-07-28T22:31:00.009+08:00

My God! The one way Jakarta-Manila ticket is now US$196. $75 lang sya last week. DAAARRRNNN!!! pamasahe pa lang ubos na ang datung. But I'd rather go home to Manila with no money, than having money but spending the Lebaran break here. I'm going to go insane!

So September is fast approaching. I'm planning planning planning. For things to do, places to go.. But the pessimistic in me is butting in: di naman matutuloy mga plano ko na naman".

Had gala plans last june-july vacation, but due to unforeseen (and very hurtful)events, my plans did not push through. I'm quite disappointed. Gusto ko tlagang gumala.

Hope my Sept plan with Ayi will push through. Kahit ano na lang! Be it our Pinatubo plan o kahit saan na lang sa Pinas. I also have a Palawan plan with Ms. Ana, pero I think it's still quite bleak. Haaay.

I feel so frustrated. Planning events that did not push through. Parang ayaw ko na tuloy mag-plan. :( I'm really super frustrated! please, kailangan kong mag-lakwatsa!!!

---

was thinking about the psychology of social networking sites... They're really quite famous nowadays. And I'm no stranger to them. myspace, twitter, facebook, multiply, even the jologs friendster. I go online everyday. i login everyday. i update my status everyday... ok ok.. i update every hour or so.

And i was thinking, these sites are popular because it tells you someone cares.

take for example, facebook. when you post photos, add a friend, take a quiz or play a game and it shows on the news feed, you receive either a comment or a thumbs up. that tells you that somewhere out there, someone is paying attention. even if your status is just a simple sad face, people will ask you why you're sad. even if someone disagrees with what you've said, it still shows someone cares. someone cares enough to notice the things you do, the words you say. and i guess twitter hit the jackpot. a site committed entirely on what you're doing. even if people write every single darn thing they do, it's safe to assume that someone, somewhere in the world, knows what's going on with you. it sorta makes you feel less alone.

I wonder if the suicide rate of the world went down because of these sites.

---

nana once said before that we should be careful with our emotional investments. she's quite right. and i know this too. but i just can't get over my emotional attachments to people.

you see, i get attached quite easily. this is my Achilles heel. and i get in trouble whenever i get attached to people whom i shouldnt get attached to. i'm quite vulnerable, emotionally. and i've been meaning to get a hold of myself and quit the bad habit. i'm still clueless though. i'm quite the jealous type too. although i dont show it. i always have this inner turmoil going on whenever i feel jealous. and it's not just confined to romantic relationships. it also lurks in the friendships that i have, and with the family relationships. i really don't show any signs of jealousy. well, ok, maybe i do react differently when i'm jealous. but thank goodness, i'm not the scandalous jealous type.

today, i felt a pang of jealousy. and i hate every bit of it. because i know i shouldn't feel this. oh, but i do.. it's real, alright. and although acknowledging it exists makes it 'more' real, i've decided not to deny it. coz i wanna kick it to the curb.

bottom line: although i shouldn't, i really am emotionally attached. and i need all the help i can get in making sure i don't make emotional investments when i shouldn't.

peace out!

i wonder where my feet will take me.

2009-07-26T03:40:00.009+08:00

spent the whole day in front of the laptop.. a few hours were spent 'working'.. the rest, fb, twitter, multiply, ym. how on earth did i manage to spend 15 hours on the computer?

not a happy day today. found out some sad news. mama's sad, kuya is sad, i'm sad. but i'm reminded by paolo coelho's words: when ur down, stop digging. no need to analyze things. it wasn't meant to be.. so we all have to move on. still, i'm proud of my kuya, nothing can change that.. one thing i admire about him is is guts. taking on such a challenging course, making himself vulnerable to sleepless nights and ginormous books, plus a whole lot of new tongue-twistery words to understand and memorize. boy, my bro really has guts...

makes me wonder what life has in store for all of us, my brothers and i.. who will be successful? who will go where? who will get married first? who will have lots of kids? i dunno what might happen.. thinking about my mom and dad when they were my age, they've really come a long way. i wonder where my feet will take me.

---

classes began last week. i think i have a good bunch. =) so far, so good. i really like teaching. very very, interesting. i'm happy i have a job that i love. i look forward to going to work everyday. im excited to see my kids. i dont like being absent. and for once in my entire career life, i've never had any absences.

---

been talking to mark lately, my batchmate in ccc. klasmeyt ng grade 5. hehe. mountaineer na tagakalikot ng eroplano. interesting.. i'm getting tips on which mountains to climb, which group to join, how to get rid of my pagkalamigin, tips on which bank account to open; quite interesting and informative conversations. he's been around the world coz of his work. he's been to egypt, would u believe, but didnt see the pyramids. naku.. i wanna go to egypt too.. pero naman.. egypt without the pyramids is like going to bora but not going to the beach. well.. i really really hope, one day i could go to egypt. i'd love to show my kids (students) pics of me in egypt!

and so, because of mark, i decided i wanna go to back to mountain climbing. and on sept, i plan to go to mt pinatubo. with ayi.. haaay. hope this one pushes through.. i really really am itching to gala. to climb. to have an adventure!

---

"Karen, are you ready to date?"

asked one of my co-teachers who was trying to reto me with someone. and the brilliant me, stuttered while i said: umm, ahh, eeek, i dunno! im scared!

i want to date, darn it. but im too friggin scared. what is wrong with me???!!!!

---

my love life has not even a flicker of hope. damnit. haha!

Blabber 01 May 2009

2009-05-17T19:14:00.001+08:00

Blabber 01 May 2009

Gaya-gaya kay petchai, kwento kwento lang...

I really don't have much to say, actually. But I just have this nagging feeling that I ought to write something, because it's been a while since I blogged. Or even wrote on my journal, my real journal.

Maybe because I'm not reading as much as I should, that's why I'm not inspired to write. Or maybe I've been too busy with school/teaching that I don't feel the urge to write.

Well, whatever it is, it's kinda good. I don't feel anything negative nowadays, which is weird, if you know who I am. I'm not sad, or pressured, or depressed in any way. I do have some sad moments, but I'm not "sad-sad", you know. I'm happy. Not jumping-up-and-down kind of happy, just, happy. Content. And maybe I'm writing this, because I wanna figure out why I feel this way. Coz usually, when I write, I get some answers to questions I have formed in my head. Writing helps me figure things out.

So maybe I'm trying to figure out why I'm so-called "happy".

Okay, so it's not coming to be yet.. Hrmmm..

So why am I happy?

I'm not used to not being miserable. I think I might have made a career out of being miserable. But today, I don't have any complaints. Thank God. Not because my life is perfect, it's far from it.. But I dunno why I'm not miserable. Maybe God's is healing my heart..

It's weird that I've no complaints...

I know, I know, this is so not me.. I always find ways to complain about my life, especially about my love life. Haha. But for some insane reason, I've nothing to complain about! Not even my when it comes to lovey lovey! This is so not me!

Then again, thank you God. Life isn't sweet, but it isn't bitter, so why complain... Maybe I'm being readied for some astonishing thing. oh no.. haha!

*this is by far, the most walang kwentang post ever*

ps...

I think I've got it...

I've friends, real good to the core friends.

That's it! I'm happy because I know, no matter where I end up, no matter which continent I am, I know that I've great friends.

And I'll always be proud of the friendships I've made and kept. I don't have tons of friends, but the friends I have are the cream of the crop. And it's during hard times that you know who stays and who withers away. I'm blessed to have such great great friends.

Haha, i knew it. That's what my heart wanted to say... That's why I've this urge to write.

Oh and, I came upon an old notebook of mine, the one i used In ateneo de naga for my educ units... I quoted a teacher who quoted something else: TEACH WITH A HEART, TEACH TO THE HEART. - this is my new motto. =)

what else? Oh, I've this student, who belongs to a family of doctors. I asked him what he wants to be when he grows up, he said he wants to be an archaeologist. haha. i think I've influenced him a bit. I taught ancient egypt and ancient rome to them this year.

oh, and i love yoga. but i miss running. i miss running with maye and dindin in sanlo. i run in the gym, but it's just not the same.

Oh, i've made a new rule, which is what I'm proudest of. EVERYDAY IS SQUISH DAY. everyday, before my kids go home, i "squish" them. meaning, i hug them. =) and i love it as much as they love it. some kids, won't walk out the door without the squish. =) even the one who "tries" to escape the squish, has loosened up a bit, and i think he likes my not letting him escape without a squish. even the boys say "ms, squish!" I didn't impose this on the first day of school. Of course they haven't warmed up to me yet. I imposed this i think this year, starting January. And it has made my kids and I closer. I'd like to think they feel more loved. =) because I make it a point that the squishes are sincere. =) love it. A squish a day makes us feel more loved everyday.

what elese? hrmm.. It's my late grandaunt's birthday today. I miss her more each day. And I've decided not to make my life miserable as a tribute to her life. I was thinking, if I always cry because I feel guilty about not having to love her as much as I should, then I won't give justice to her. Instead, I make the most of my life, so that in heaven, she'll feel proud of me. I know she loves me, beyond death. So if I always feel bitter, I'd just end up getting sick, having cysts, etc. So, make my mama ned proud, instead of crying over things that cannot be undone.

oh, and sharing isn't bad after all... God really is a good God. I know now why i'm blessed so much; so i can share my blessing with others.

any more?? oh yeah, I can't wait to go home to Manila. =) hope I could visit as many friends and family as I can..

That ends my blabber... More blabber to come, hopefully...

Ikigai 18 April 2009

2009-05-17T19:12:00.002+08:00

Ikigai 18 April 2009

New fave word:

Watched the Oprah Show the other day, and Dr. Oz was there with "The Blue Zones" author, Dan Buettner.. Buettner tried to find out the "hotspots" on earth: places where people lived the longest, and Dr. Oz tagged along. One of those places is Okinawa, Japan. Then Dr. Oz mentioned a word that Okinawans consider as one of the secrets to living longer; it's my now, new favorite word...

The Japanese word IKIGAI, which means "that which makes one's life worth living..."

they say that having an ikigai is the key to a looooong fruitful, purpose-filled life... and that purpose is related to the longevity of one's life...

better find my ikigai soon...

or maybe, I already have found my ikigai, I just need to realize I already have it..

either way, God-willing, I shall realize my IKIGAI.

Challenge of the day (or century):

Realize what your IKIGAI is... =)

The hunt for love 29 mar 2009

2009-05-17T19:12:00.001+08:00

The hunt for love 29 mar 2009

'was in church today... and i saw a young couple walking by our pew... I was (half) surprised with what I said to myself: "Ay, wow, nakita na nila".....(translation: wow, they finally found "that one person" for them...)

...
...
...
...
...
...

as if life is an Easter egg hunt...

it's official: i'm addicted to the 'hunt' for love... i need to be cured... huhu

Not my new year’s resolution 01 jan 09

2009-05-17T19:12:00.000+08:00

Not my new year’s resolution 01 jan 09

I want to be better...

I have never made a list of New Year's Resolution before. At least a list that I actually took seriously. And i don't intend to make one now.

I just like this year because for the first time, this New Year seems to be a start of something great for me. 2008 went like a fast raging bus, and I know I've had plenty of time to think and feel, I don't think the speed of 2008 gave me enough chance to really feel things as they pass by.

This year, I want to be better. I want to look into 2009 with a hopeful heart. I've blabbered senselessly over the past year and I've had nice friends who would always cheer me on and uplift my spirits, telling me to decide to be happy. I never took these invaluable advice to heart because of my stubbornness. Now, I've decided. I will be happy.

I'm excited. These past few days made me feel certain feelings I have stored at the attic of my heart. Certain things had to happen, and certain things also did NOT happen, and they are for a reason. And I think these 13 days of rest was actually a prelude to my new outlook.

Things may change the next few days, I know. But i just want to document today's change. Today, I want to be better. I feel excited because I have this feeling, that 2009 will be a great year, and I can't wait. I haven't had a great year ever, I think. And I feel this is the year that I have been waiting for.

I want to be better. And I'm gonna be better.

I want to be happy, and I am gonna be happy.

I am excited and I can't wait for great things to start unfolding.

Thank you God, you have saved me again. I know you were behind all of these. You have saved me from heartache again, as you always have. Thank you. I know, with your grace, this will be the greatest year ever!

11 days of thinking 30 dec 2008

2009-05-17T19:11:00.000+08:00

11 days of thinking 30 dec 2008

I can't believe it's been 11 days of vacation time for me. It felt like months.

In these 11 days, I've wasted so many hours worrying, stalking. disturbing friends, and wasting my time. There are days that i feel like stopping, and do something productive for a change. But then again, when i think of the next 6 months of working continuously, I stop and thank God for the 3 weeks of freedom..

Most of the time, during this 11 days of doing nothing, I feel so shallow. I worry constantly about things that are not of importance. I think of the many people who worry about things that matter. Like my dear dear friend who is battling for better health, she's exhausting all efforts to be able to become better, to be able to make her very young family intact once again, and here I am complaining about why a certain someone seems to be ignoring me, when in fact i shouldn't be wasting my energies on things such as this.

There are many other important things to think about, to worry about. But here I am, being a child again, complaining and throwing tantrums, and crying over spilt milk.

I feel a dilemma... I feel that i should be thinking of things that truly matter. Yet i feel I shouldn't stress myself with heavier things, not unless I'm actually facing a real crisis.

I dunno. Sometimes i feel good when I realize that it is not yet my time to worry about heavy stuff... Yet sometimes i feel like I'm not living at all because my worries are all trivial. Or should i feel blessed because my worries are still shallow?

And sometimes i feel that even though i'm technically blogging, it's like I'm just blogging to myself...

Maybe i just don't like feeling insignificant. That's why i feel i should stop the shallowness... Because really, when i think about it, am i worried about my worries being insignificant, or am i worried that I have turned to be someone insignificant?

Hah... Maybe that's it...

The extinction of men 29 dec 2008

2009-05-17T19:10:00.002+08:00

The extinction of men 29 dec 2008

The world has been busy trying to make sure that certain species will be saved from extinction. Endangered species such as the Blue Whale, Snow Leopard, African Wild Dog, Tiger, Albatross, Crowned Solitary Eagle, environmentalists have exhausted all efforts to ensure their survival for the future generation.

But has anyone ever tried to make sure that MEN will not be extinct? Men as in, real MEN.

I have been talking to my friend Nikko over at Facebook. She commented on my "patiently waiting" status. And of course, it's about a boy. We were talking and talking and she mentioned a friend of hers who was engaged to be married when she found out that her fiancee is, (do i even have to tell u) cheating on her. Of course, she called the wedding off. After a few days, one of her officemates (who was secretly loving her from afar) finally had the courage to tell her that he has feelings for her, and that he's been waiting for her for two years already. They got together, and are now enjoying each other's company. Nikko said that guy is much much better that the fiancee. He really takes good care of the girl. So really, something good actually came out from something bad.

And so the girly girly in me said awwww, that's so sweet... i also want someone to "take good care of me" (yes Russell, I'm still begging God, forgive my impatience)

And it got me thinking. Nope, the world is not devoid of boys. In fact, there are a lot of boys out there, there is even a surplus of boys! What i think the world lacks in are MEN, real M-E-N.

There are a lot of boys, boys by age, even older than I am, so seem to be emotionally stunted and are just not cut out to qualify to be called a MAN. I know, a lot of boys and men will disagree with me, but i think what i'm saying is true.

I know times have changed and people are getting married at a later age. That is not what bothers me. What bothers me most are the boys who lack the commitment to "take care of someone".

Maybe I'm talking crap, but maybe I'm just coming from the fact that of all the male species i know, i only know a handful who really act like MEN. Sad.

I remember Obama's speech on Father's Day. He said something about Fatherhood. He said, and i quote: “What makes you a man is not the ability to have a child- any fool can have a child. That’s doesn’t make you father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.”

True. Any fool could have a child, but it doesn't make you a father. And just because someone has the male genitalia and he is no longer considered a teenager, these don't necessarily make a person a "man". Being a man isn't just confined to the reproductive sense, or of the physique of a person. It takes more than that to be called a MAN.

So what does it take for a male person to be qualified to be called a MAN? (and I'm not talking machismo here)

I think it doesn't require too much to be called a man. But it's not as easy as it sounds. It requires commitment, respect, courage, consistency, values and emotional maturity. And sad to day, I don't think a lot of MEN are out there. I could actually count them using my fingers.

I'm not saying us WOMEN are better than MEN. I also know some females who remain to be girls rather than growing up to be WOMEN. But i guess, it is in our genetic make-up that women mature faster than men. Or to be politically correct, girls mature faster than boys. And sometimes it could be quite tiring to wait for boys to grow up.

I read somewhere that growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. Hope this isn't the case all the time, hope both girls and boys would decide to grow up and be real MEN and WOMEN.

Boys, please grow up... Us women can't wait any longer.

Being 26 22 dec 2008

2009-05-17T19:10:00.001+08:00

Being 26 22 dec 2008

I just turned 26 last October. And i don't like being 26 one bit. I like being 25, i loved saying I was 25 years old, but being 26 sucks. I just don't think it fits me. 26, hello.. I'm 26! might as well say I'm 32! I feel old, and I know I'm starting to look old.

I don't like being 26 because I'm a few months away from being 27. My mom was 27 when she gave birth to me. At 27, she had 3 kids already, 3 kids! Imagine that! I'm 26 now and what have I accomplished? I've been playing it safe for the past 2 decades, and I've been taking my time. I told myself "I'm young! I have all the time in the world!" NOT! I don't have all the time in the world, and no matter what people say, I don't feel young at all.

I feel old, but not wise enough. I feel old but I also feel like I didn't get to do anything spectacular. I still have a long list of places I want to go to. I still have a long pile of things to do. I still want to accomplish more, do more, go to places, meet people, try things! And at 26, I feel like I don't have enough time. Phooey!

Maybe I don't like being 26 because I feel like I'm old now but I'm still not in control of my life. It's not like people are dictating to me what to do all the time. It's just that, i know if i had my way, I would do things differently. If circumstances were not hard and were not complicated, I feel I would be able to do what I please.

But then I've seen people who has done just that. They were young once, and they did as they pleased. And still now that time has passed, they still seem as lost as they once were when they were younger.

So where do you find contentment? How can you be complete? Can you find contentment in doing everything you want to do regardless of what people might think of you? Will you be complete if you follow your heart's desires all the time? Or is the feeling of discontent and incomplete a part of that thing we call life?

Is there really a way of quenching our thirst for that insatiable desire to grasp that which eludes us?

I was just thinking...

Gifts (20 Dec 2008)

2009-05-17T19:09:00.002+08:00

Gifts 20 Dec 2008

This year, I've received a lot of Christmas gifts, the most I've received in a year. Not because I've been extra nice, or I've blackmailed a lot of people to give me gifts, it's because of the career I've chosen (or have chosen me). You see, I am a teacher. A grade 3 Science and Social Studies teacher.

I've always liked the number 3 and I've always thought about being a teacher. I've always loved Social Studies and have always been intrigued by Science. So my being a grade 3 Science and Social Studies teacher is like a dream come true (no matter how cliche it would sound).

So this Christmas, I've received gifts from parents and students, from Catholics, Christians and Muslims, which for me is so wonderful to begin with. From a sweet box of sylvanna, to cashmere shawls, to a Hanna Montana document bag (which i know for a fact was chosen by my student because she has the same bag - which i once told her was was so cute), to a jar of cookies and a broach, a picture frame, chocolate bars, a scented oil burner, a book, pastries (I'm not really sure what they're called, but they taste really good). I also got a nice shoulder bag from a store I love (weeh), I even got new towels, which is great, because we're moving to a new house - new towels, new house - hooray! I also got a Christmas CD, a chocolate Santa Claus and a Christmas cookie. One student felt bad he doesn't have a gift for me, he took a scrap paper, and made a small card for me which says "Happy Holiday Ms Karen!" even though he's a muslim and he doesn't celebrate Christmas. This one i particularly love.

Aside from these wonderful gifts, this Christmas, I've receive far valuable gifts:
• I have a great job
• I'm spending Christmas with mama, again =)
• I'm healthy (not sexy, but at least I'm disease free), and so are my loved ones - my mom, my dad, my brothers, my grandmother, my cousins and my relatives
• I have a long vacation (3 weeks!)
• I have good friends at school and I get along pretty well with everyone
• I have such great parent coordinators
• The grade 3 team is great!
• I finished making the report cards on time, even ahead of time!
• I was praised by my boss yesterday! (I was asking if i can me transferred to a different campus which is nearer to our place and my boss said she can arrange for my transfer if i really wanted it, but she would rather me stay in the Jakarta campus because i was already doing a great job there and she liked the way i worked! Now, that is much much better than all the gifts that were given to me this year) Er go, I'm staying in the Jakarta Campus.
The last one is the most special one for me, because it removes any self doubt I've been cradling for so long. I didn't know whether or not I'm working as expected or I'm below their standards. i figured the administrative team were just so busy, they don't even notice me, but then again, it's always good to know that you're effort is being appreciated. And it's even better if your boss doesn't want to let you go. It's just that sometimes, some people fail to let you know how much they appreciate you until it's too late. I'm glad my boss is not too proud to praise me and is very generous with affirmations, genuine affirmations. She made my year, actually. That very brief talk with her was very rewarding and comforting. All the hardships and hard work was all worth it.

I'm happy for the gifts. I really am. One of my dominant love languages is "Gifts" because of the absence of my parents (I felt loved whenever they send me stuff because gifts were their expression of their love since they cannot hug me, or tell me how much they love me everyday, or cook my lunch for me) So receiving gifts this Christmas is such a delight for me. But knowing my boss appreciates all the hard work I've been doing for the past 6 months, is icing on top. Being with mama adds some sprinkles.

ps. now Lord, love life naman... ^_^ the ducks are ready.... *wink

Victim of my own optimism 21 November 2008

2009-05-17T19:09:00.001+08:00

Victim of my own optimism 21 November 2008

i have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. i have a tendency not only to see the best in people, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his potential. i have fallen in love more times than i care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then i have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. many times in romance i have been a victim of my own optimism.

- Elizabeth Gilbert
Eat Pray Love

* for a second there, it was as though i was reading a page from my own journal... yet it was written by someone else.

Horoscope or Horrorscope 08 Oct 2008

2009-05-17T19:07:00.003+08:00

Horoscope or Horrorscope 08 Oct 2008

Libra
A friend will offer you unsolicited advice that could hold the key to a new romance.

horoscope from friendster.com dated 08.10.08

Writing about writing again 11 august 2008

2009-05-17T19:07:00.002+08:00

Writing about writing again 11 august 2008

I’ve been dying to write about a lot of things. It’s just like my head has a lot of stories, information, angst, bitterness, happiness and anxiety, and I couldn’t dare contain them much longer. I’m in denial of what exactly is stopping me from writing. But I know I have a pattern: that when I’m not in a good place in my life, I stop writing. But when I’m picking up the pieces of my shattered soul, I muster the much needed courage to face the computer and type away.

I’d like to write about a lot of things. First and foremost because I’m beginning a new chapter of my usually mundane life, which is, of course, worth writing. But since I got caught on the web of craziness, I had to wait for fate to help me untangle myself and finally free helpless self.

Here are the things that I would like to write about:
• I’ve just read “The Fountainhead” which on my opinion is by far the best book I’ve ever read. So I’d like to share my thoughts on the book.

• I’ve recently moved to another country, and I am now an expatriate! Ha ha! I’m finally faithfully following the 2nd step of my 7-year career path. I’m an educator!

• I’m now living with mama, which of course, is news worthy since I never really grew up with a mama.

• I have this “are you lonely” incident at the Indonesian immigration probably 8 years prior, that I’ve always wanted to write about but never had the chance to.

• Papa has finally come home to pinas after 8 years! And he is spending his 53rd birthday with mama and I here in Indonesia! He’s arriving 12.30am Saturday! I can't wait!

• I’ve felt feelings I never thought I could feel. And it would have been a nice entry if the feelings were jovial in nature rather than the contrary.

• I’ve been tricked, deceived, misled and I feel like the song “I started a joke” by the bee gees was really written for me.

• I’d like to believe that I’m smarter now and wiser (as my friend corrected me) and i could be stronger and firmer in my decisions and my convictions.

• I’ve finally come to understand why things had to happen, even if it was and still is extremely hard to comprehend and accept.

And so, what am I left to do but write... I may write in random order, according to mood, but I pledge to write about these things as soon as I could.

But not tonight, I have to sleep... oh, wait! But I AM already writing! I’m writing about writing. Before I was writing about NOT writing. And now, I'm writing about writing. How cool is that!

So how am I? My usual imitative answer: I’m good... not great, but good.

And this, I can handle for now...

One last note. Yesterday, I saw this episode of Oprah and the author of eat, pray love was her guest, Elizabeth Gibson. The book is another post, but today, I’d just like to do what “groceries” advised people to do: ask yourself every single day - what am I grateful for today? The answer could be as profound as it could be simple.

So today, I’m going to try to do the “today, I’m grateful for...” ritual... Well, at least, I’ll try…

Today, I’m thankful for the email I did not receive.

excerpt from the real ertling journal 08 july 2008

2009-05-17T19:07:00.001+08:00

excerpt from the real ertling journal 08 july 2008

08.jul.08

it's my 4th day in Jakarta (my second day at work) ... during my first two days in jakarta, i have been having weird feelings and emotions.. Being here, where i am right now, is, actually what i've been praying for and have been hoping for, after all. But there's just this gush of overwhelming emotions that flooded my system the day i arrived.But today, tis very day, for some cosmic reason, i feel nothing. i do not feel bored, i do not feel nervous, im not excited neither. im not sad, but i'm not happy either.i am just... me... no feelings, no emotions, i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... maybe a good thing because at least im not too emotional... im not crying, i don't feel depressed or any of that melo-dramatic mushy gushy feelings. then again, this could be a bad thing as well, because im not feeling jovial over something i really wanted so badly... there is nothing... it's not ok, but it's not bad either...

ps...

wat a very bad first entry on my new journal...

Made my Life - 19 September 2007

2009-05-17T18:52:00.001+08:00

click this

If you can't read it there, it means, it's probably for my closes friends only. sorry.. =D

The moment we let things slip away 01 Nov 2007

2009-05-17T18:50:00.002+08:00

The moment we let things slip away 01 Nov 2007

this is actually my "reply" to petchai's blog entry... just felt like posting it.... just for kicks... =)

sometimes, we let thing slip away.. sometimes, we don't get to have second chances.. sometimes, we hit our heads on the wall thinking "whatdahell was i thinking??" then we realize we've messed up our opportunities and would never have them come our way again...

but sometimes too, we do get second chances, oftentimes, we let things slip away, only to find out that something better was prepared for us all along... and the "whatdahell" moments, are learning moments which will make us wiser, tougher, and more courageous than we were before....

seize the day! discern all the way! toughie? oh yeah, life is tough.... but tough things are oftentimes impervious to destruction..

whatdahell... :)

Cynical (23 Oct 2008)

2009-05-17T18:50:00.001+08:00

Cynical 23 Oct 2008

cynicaL.....

i've never been cynicaL before, but now i've turned into one..... and i loathe it with utmost hatred...

what's worse than badluck?? Hopelessness....... and i'm not the type to indulge myself in unnecessary wallowing in dejection.....

but i am cynicaL....at least as of NOW i am.... and i'm hating every minute of it......

i do wish for something better... i do wish i could get over cynicism.... i do wish something or someone would come along who can make me think that life is beautiful... that life is STILL beautiful, despite the discouraging stories, unfortunate circumstances and skeptical people......

25 (Oct 3, 2007)

2009-05-17T18:50:00.000+08:00

25 03 Oct 2007
veinte y cinco...

- kung kelan nagkaka-quarter life crisis ang mga batang gaya ko...
- wan port ng sandaan
- 3 ganito lang ang kailangan para makatawag sa pay phone noong unang panahon
- 5 x 5
- ganto kadaming taon na ang nakalilipas pag sinabing "silver anniversary"
- eto ang atomic number ng manganese
- sa tagalog, ang bigkas dito ay "benchingko"
- XXV sa roman numerals
- 25% ng 100
- ganto kadaming taon na ang nakalipas ng huling nanganak ang aking nanay
- ganto karaming beses na ako nagse-celebrate ng kaarawan ko
- ganto ako katanda ngayon...
- ganto ako kabata ngayon...

salamat sa mga bumati.... sa mga napaaga at sa saktong sakto lang... sa mga napilitan at sa mga nakalimot pero nakahabol pa din... sa mga hindi nakabati, ayos lang, mahal ka pa din ni papa Lord...
salamat sa nanay ko, sa mga sakripisyo nya, mula noong ipinagbubuntis nya ako, hanggang sa araw na ito...

salamat sa tatay ko, sa laging pagtawag at pag-aalala.. sa mga regalong kapalit ng presensya mo... sa pagmamahal at sa pangunawa...
salamat sa mga kapatid ko, dahil hindi kayo pikon sa kakulitan ko...

salamat sa mga kaibigan ko, yung mga totoo... sa pag-alala at sa pagpapa-alaala sa mga nakalimot... lalo na kay tooot...
salamat sa pisong text na ginastos ninyo sa pagbati...

salamat sa mga tumawag.. mama, papa at kathy mendoza!
salamat sa mga sumalo sa aming munting handaan sa opisina...

salamat sa mga regalong datung, cologne, cake, cake at cake pa!!! yahoooooo!
salamat sa mga naging "extra" nice dahil bertdi ko...

salamat sa pag-awit ng happy birthday, kahit sintunado...
salamat sa mga nag-YM...

salamat sa mga nagpost ng pag-bati, sa friendster at dito sa multiply...
salamat sa mga nagtanong kung ilang taon na ako, at nang pinahulaan ko, 20 lang daw ako...

salamat kay papa Lord dahil tuloy ang buhos ng biyaya kahit na di ako karapat-dapat... sa mga lambing at sa mga surpesa.... da best ka Lord!

salamat sa lahat.... masaya ako ngayon, as in....

......salamat sa mga babati pa matapos mabasa ito.. ok lang yan.... shows to prove lang na mag memory gap na kayo...

salamat salamat salamat! silver bells!

ayan, im officially in my mid-twenties na! (kahit mukhang 1985 ako pinanganak, ayn kay petchai)

*speaking of petchai.... isa pa yang may memory gap! labyupetch!

ps.....
kung keri nyo, wish ko isa lang.... three letters lang....
JLC

john Lloyd cruz!!

haha!!!! pogi!!!!!!!!!! a date with him will do! etchos! makakalaban si maye! haha!
bagay naman kami di ba? :)

Void 01 oct 2007

2009-05-17T18:49:00.001+08:00

Void 01 oct 2007

there's a vOiD that's inside of my souL...

it's the one that i've tried to Get oVer and ovEr agaiN.....

i'm awake in the infinite coLd...

i know now, i am my onLy HoPe...

First day high (11 September 2007)

2009-05-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

First day high 11 September 2007

haaay.... it's my first day in my m.a. class....... good thing my prof, who's soooo bubbly and soooo cutie, and soooo high-spirited and sooooo ma-kwento and sooo, just sooooooo HAPPY, let us off early today, an hour early, so i was able to catch the trains.... but still, it took me 2 hours to get home.... but hey, who's complaining? =)

we're just 10 in the class and my classmates are also soooo bubbly and just sooooo, how will i put it? soooo... pleasant... just super pleasant.... =) makes me think whether i fit in or not..... im not really "dark and twisty" but i can choose to be such if i wanted to... im just not soo jolly and all-smiles kinda person (at least i don't think i am)

im glad im studying again, im glad i'll be able to pick the brains of such great minds once again... and as my prof went through all our topics, not once did i wince upon hearing each lesson.... that's a good sign, mind you, means if i choose it, my m.a. class will be pleasant and inspiring... (im crossing my fingers!)

heard my other prof's nice but strict.... good balance, i thought... tuesday prof's light and bubbly and not soo austere, while the sat prof's "allegedly" stringent... (good thing she's on sat)

well then, i'll just have to wait and see, right..... haaaay... rest na...

animo ertLing!

Going solo (August 29 2007)

2009-05-17T18:47:00.003+08:00

Going solo – August 29 2007

i'm not much of a horoscope afficionado... i usually read my horoscope just for kicks... sometimes, my huLa's outrageously silly, but there are those moments that my horoscope says exactly what i need to hear for the day...

and today is one of those days...

LIBRA:
No one can live a life centered completely on relationships. Go solo for today.

How do you measure (28 July 2007)

2009-05-17T18:47:00.002+08:00

How do you measure 28 July 2007

I work in a social action center in a, what one can say, a reputable school for daughters of well-to-do individuals. And part of my job includes facilitating immersions, exposures and outreach activities for our students, teachers and staff.

The organizing part if pretty much easy to do, you coordinate and contact individuals, organizations and institutions related to your activity, you research about your topic or issue, then make a PowerPoint presentation which you will show the students, teachers or staff involved, you make a proposal, have it signed by your boss, then your boss’ boss, make a budget request, get transportation and so on. The execution part is also quite easy, although you really can’t help unforeseen circumstances from occurring, but for the most part, I pretty much know what I’m doing.
The hard part, on the other hand, is measuring the impact of the activity, to your students, teachers and staff, and to the community it catered to. Sometimes, the effect on the students can be easily observed during the processing of the activity. They pretty much give answers to processing questions which you have already anticipated. If they were deeply moved, maybe they can organize a fund-raising activity to address the needs of the community they were exposed to, sometimes, in the form of a garage sale, a concert, or by selling cupcakes and brownies.
But then again, year after year, we see the same problems, we cater to the same organizations and we hear the same old issues and concerns.
It makes me wonder, how do you really measure an impact of an outreach activity?

I, for one, am a product of such outreach activities. I am an immersion baby. In college, I found myself going to Bukidnon to teach community theatre to high school students of our sister school. I was hesitant at first, for I’m not really a theatre person. But then again, I realized, no matter how little your knowledge and how menial your skills are, you can still contribute something to someone. For some strange reason, after that immersion, I had a tiny inkling of what I want to do professionally. A year after that, I went to the same place again for yet another immersion, this time, I went there to teach writing and spelling. I had no clue how to effectively teach, but I felt ecstatic when at the end of the week, all my students knew how to spell (and pronounce properly) the word “chaos”. A weird word I chose, I know, but at least one word down, a trillion to go.
After college, I joined AMA (Associate Missionaries of the Assumption), a volunteer organization for young professionals. I was sent to SIMAG Foundation, in Silay City Negros Occidental. As a new grad, I don’t think I made a huge impact on the organization. When I went there, I expected to help out, but instead, as always, it was I that benefited much in the relationship than vice versa. After one year of volunteer work, I finally got it; AMA was actually first and foremost, a formation program. And form, it really did. After that, I found myself leaning towards social action and social work.
Low and behold, I went back to my school, and worked in the social action center. After two years of working there, I went away to take education units. But life has a way of teaching you a lesson you least expected. I found myself being drawn back to the school. And now, I am back, a second time. Like what I always say, it’s such a blessing to be able to do what you love doing, while getting paid to do it.

Going back to the question, how do you measure the impact of formation programs? It varies from person to person, I guess. In my case, I found pleasure in the world of social action, and I thirst for more knowledge and skills. For others, it’s in the way they treat others; their yayas, their drivers, for some, it’s in the way they make decisions – bearing in mind the impact it will have on people they have once encountered. Others enter the seminary or the religious life, others become decent politicians, honest government employees, role models in private institutions, while others become better mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends. Some put up their own foundations catering to the needy; others simply call waiters, salesladies, and other blue collared individuals by their first name while smiling at them. It varies, from person to person. But as a person working in a social action center of a school, I do hope and pray that the impact of such formation programs be as evident and as felt by most people, hopefully, in my lifetime and beyond.

Ning in Naga signing off (12 June 2007)

2009-05-17T18:47:00.001+08:00

Ning in Naga signing off 12 June 2007

there were things unfolding in my life that i wasn't quite certain what their purpose were in my everday existence. at first, i couldn't quite understand why i decided on doing certain things... i only had in me, a certain gutt feel that for some cosmic reason, something i cannot explain validly, i have to be at a certain place at a certain time.. for a while, i would feel as if my decision was once again as stupid as i was when i made them... but now, i have come to understand the answers to the trivial question "why"....

ok, let me stop talking all puzzling...

i mean, i really don't know why exactly i chose to stay in Naga longer than my other companions.. oh yes, i was planning to work here and study at the same time, and i looooved being in Naga more than anything else right now... but i couldn't quite figure out the big "why" behind all these.. i mean, i wasn't 100% sure that i'd get a job right away.. i knew times were hard and what i did was quite the opposite of what other people have been doing >> moving TO Naga FROM Manila to get a job??? most people move OUT of Naga TO Manila to get a job, duh.. it was quite valiant, i guess.. now i say valiant, and not stupid because i know the reasons behind my decisions...

actually, it wasn't me who planned this whole thing... think twas God all along.... and i marvel at His great works.. the way he manipulated things so that he would be able to get His message through... i'm a stubborn kid, so i guess God is mightier than my being stubborn... He successfully got his message across...

pardon me for being all vague..

i thank a couple of people for being instruments of God's message to me... shrek and chelly... :) especially chelly... girl, i super needed that hit on my head.. i guess that's why of all the places i could've stayed, twas in ur dorm that i found myself in...

these are God's messages to me:

through shrek:

>> God's making ways to make me lambing.. little accidents paved the way to making me feel loved and forgiven. being forgiven is the sweetest thing God has ever done to me... i've been jotting down on my notebook the very many incidents that led me to feel God's sweet love for me.. oh my gulay talaga... even if i have to leave na, the memory of God's sweet little lambings will forever be engraved in my soul... i am once again loved... :D i hope i can share all the details here, but i have to protect my reputation! hahah!

through chelly :

>> attachment is not necessarily love.
>> God will understand why u have to intentionally hurt someone because you have to save yourself too..
>> i'm better off....
>> it's not a sin to say things that might hurt someone ---- it's human nature, girl!
>> it's not me, it's a psychological disorder..
>> binabaril na mga martir ngayon..

yes, i've awoken... i asked mama to forgive my stupidity , and i guess mama's only sin is that she L ves me too much... that unconditional love thingy is oh so true... mama ever so humorly gave her words that comforted me like a little baby on her arms.. i will forever be grateful...

so that's it i guess... my mission in Naga, or shall i say Naga's mission on me is slowly coming to an end .. and i'm finally bidding Naga, my home for the last couple of months, goodbye.....

ning in Naga now signing off...............

Waiting in vain Jun 5, '07 4:01 PM

2009-05-17T18:26:00.000+08:00

Waiting in vain Jun 5, '07 4:01 PM

i've been overstaying here in Naga for appoximately two and a half weeks... classes ended May 19, but I'm still here.... after playing with the thought of staying in Naga for a year, i finally gave in to the feeling.... (parang kanta).... or shall i say, i entertained the idea, but the decision is up to Naga.... i dunno whether was simply thinking that i finally found a place where i can relax, work and study at the same time, or i was just plain idiotic... it's just that i feel in manila, everyday, i waste minimum of 3 hours travelling from house to work and vv..... i got suuuuuuper stressed and suuuuper tired... but now, i'm waiting in vain.... i almost got a job, but i had to turn it down coz the salary just doesn't cut it..... since i'll be living on my own, it just wasn't "liveable"... and so, the waiting continues.... and i'm getting frustrated...... should i stay of should i go? darn it, if i could just combine the salary of manila and the MA of LaSalle here in Naga..... i'd be the happiest mid-twenties woman in the world.... haay... but i think i need to choose.... i need to choose real fast.......... God have mercy on my soul!!!!!

lutang na naman.............

ertling - back to the old drawing board!

2009-05-17T18:05:00.001+08:00

ertling - back to the old drawing board!
May 10, '07 9:58 PM

It’s back to the old drawing board for me I guess. After two aborted relationships, I feel like I’m once again in high school, pathetically being jovial over some stupid crush. It’s cute, mind you. I like the feeling, or at least I like being reminded of the feeling of having a crush. It’s been a long while since I had my eye fixed on someone… Actually, I think it’s been more than two long years. I don’t know if it’s still healthy for a 24-year-old to feel, but it’s better than wallowing in heartache. I saw the movie “The Holiday” one hot Sunday afternoon, and I totally can relate to the characters, maybe not to the extent of their experiences, but to the feeling they were cradling in their hearts. And I guess it helped me a whole lot in convincing myself to move on and finally have a life.
I love being in Naga; being here is like a breath of fresh, non-polluted and natural air. It’s like little Manila. Not too barriotic than some provinces, but not so chaotic like Manila. I love it that you can go anywhere in Naga by just riding a tricycle. You may not find everything you want to buy, but essentially, you can find anything you need. And I guess being in Naga rejuvenated me quite well. Of course there’s the occasional crying moments, but they were not as intense as the ones I had in Manila. Actually, come to think of it, they were not really crying moments, they were simply “shed-a-tear-or-two” moments. Meeting cool new friends helped a lot in hitting my head on the wall so that I could wake up from my suicidal slumber. I’m mid-twenties and I guess it’s inevitable that I experience quarter life crisis this time around, but I don’t want my crisis to take too long. I’m still clueless of what I want to do with my life, umm, or shall I say, I’m still reluctant to start my life because of my fears and anxieties. I think it’s the pressure of deciding permanently what I want out of my life that’s keeping me from firing the race gun. I’m scared that I might not discover what the best career is for me.
Yes, I’m 24, and ending a relationship at this age is quite difficult. I was trying to be a math whiz the other day, and I was computing the time I need to be able to be ready to settle down. I told myself, I’m turning 25 this year, add two years to that, it means I’d be 27 when I can finally say I’m over my previous relationship. By that time I’m ready to meet other guys, and for the friendship to flourish first before starting a relationship, we need another two years of getting-to-know (don’t want to hit my head twice, or make that thrice) by the time I’m in a new relationship, I’d be 29. Add three to five years before getting married (considering if the next guy I’d be in a relationship with will be the one I’d marry). Then, I’d be 32-35 when I get married. Add a year to that for me to be ready to be a mommy; I’d be a first-time mom at the age of 33-36! By the time my kid goes to first grade, I’d be between 40-43! By the time my kid graduates from HS, I’d be almost 50! Oh my!!! Then again, like what Pat(ty) said, it doesn’t necessarily have to be this way….. I don’t necessarily need two years to get over a guy. It could just take a few months, if I allow it to, and then in the process of getting-over, I could already meet great guys. But I’m not in a hurry. My good friend Macacious once told me, I need to savor my being single first and I need not hurry things up. He’s right I suppose. Although that’s usually what most people would say, but hearing it from another guy made it sound different. I guess, he was sad about the news I broke with him, but I guess he didn’t pity me or anything. In fact, the first thing he said upon hearing the news was “dami pa dyan, it’s not yet the end of the road for you, makakahanap ka I’m sure”… not that my “girl” friends’ comments were not great, they were a lot of help too, but I guess coming from a guy made it seem different. Mac’s right! I need to enjoy first being single.
Recently, I had an epiphany (I’m exaggerating) I need to go out more often! I need to meet people and have new friends, or at least spend time with my old friends. And I need to date! I don’t remember being on a date, I mean on a date with someone who did not become my significant other. I remember going out to the movies with a guy friend when i was in college, but I don’t count that as a date though….. Yeah... I think I need to go out…. Not really party, but just go out and date… lunch, maybe, or coffee (tea for me)... maybe that’s the part of my life that I skipped. I only got close to guys who became my bfs, other than that, I don’t really open myself up to be better known by people. I’m too shy and too jologs in meeting guys because I’m a little picky as to whom I will reveal myself to. But then again, I just realized that acting that way was not really being myself completely.
I’m glad that I’m starting my life again. I was stagnant for a long time, and I felt the world was changing while I remained to be “me”… and I guess being in Naga was a great blessing for me. It’s good to have a break from everything. And having a crush is a big bonus! I like being “kilig” with someone. Yes, I’m back to square one. I get butterflies in my stomach even just thinking about talking to my crush that I’d be more nervous about striking a conversation with him than feeling nervous about an upcoming major exam. I organize my thoughts over and over again, before finally talking to my crush that I’d miss the opportunity and had to wait another day to try and talk to him finally. I get really "kilig" when our eyes meet as we laughed our lungs out at some silly pranks as i guffaw over some cheap corny jokes.. The image of him smiling is glued to my head for the longest time, and yes, im starting to be annoyingly and disgustingly mushy about all this. I know that one day, I’d be laughing at myself for saying these things. But as of now, I guess this is the best way for me to channel out my thoughts and my feelings; by writing about it. This is what is significant to me, and I learned over the years that no matter how “irrelevant” it may seem, what I feel is significantly essential because feelings are not wrong or bad. And this feeling, I like very much. It’s a very good deviation from the usual self-pitying me...
I still don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I think I’m getting there…
Dios mabalos!

Resuscitating babyearth

2009-05-17T18:00:00.000+08:00

Been thinking for sometime. I think i want to bring to life this old blog. I love multiply, but, hrmmm... just for kicks, i think i wanna start writing here again...

so i guess, the next thing to do is to import some of my old posts from multiply and add 'em here.. so, here goes.. babyearth aka ertling is baaaack!

moved to http://ertling.multiply.com

2009-01-08T19:07:00.002+08:00

tamad nang magsulat dito.... moved ages ago to http://ertling.multiply.com

but i might do CPR on this blog.. you never know... sayang ang name.. haha..

my multiply site is not for everybody though... just for contacts... maraming asungot sa mundo.. *wink

to write once more

2007-01-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

its been quite a while since i took time to sit down and write on this blog. i realized that i usually am in the mood to write when (1) i'm unemployed and technically have nada to do, (2) i'm extremely bored, OR (3) i'm super dooper depressed.. usually, #1 can go alone, but when im experiencing #2 and #3, i then get hyped to write.. #2 & #3 actually go together.. but don't get me wrong, just because i did not get to write any entries, it doesn't necessarily mean that i'm on cloud 9 for a year.. i have my ups and downs, but i guess i just didn't have time to write down what i was feeling.. ok that wasn't completely true, i didn't write because i didn't want anyone to share with my misery.. i realized that im really, generally, a very private person. I am! even if i have blogs and stuff, and even if i usually 'share' with my friends, i leave out a generous amount of stories that will reveal my true emotions.. i have, actually, learned, that i prefer to suffer in silence.. maybe that's why i don't have a best friend.. i have the best kinds of friend anyone can ever have, but i don't have a best friend, because i choose not to have one.. because, i tend to keep a lot of things to myself.. thus my pillows have permanent tear marks.. i'm a loner, whether i accept it or not, i really prefer to be alone with my emotions and my fears, and my feelings, and frustrations.. maybe it has something to do with my past, maybe it have everything to d with my past.. i may never really find out.. but i also acknowledge the fact that it is my choice to be a loner.. it may not be the wisest of choices but it was MY choice..

happy feet

2007-01-03T21:12:00.000+08:00

OnE Way Or ThE OThER

2006-03-03T20:47:00.000+08:00

let me tell you about this photo... i took this shot in a retreat house in Antipolo.. the lighting was perfect (on my opinion) and my chosen subject was really ordinary... two solitary chairs... isn't it strange that i call them "two" "solitary" "chairs"? my grammar teacher may kill me, but i take this photo as a symbol of being together, but in a sense, not really being together... they are, in effect, together because they are near each other, but still, they seem so solitary, so detached from each other... hrmm... issues arising... it's just that recently, i've been talking to a dear friend of mine about cycles, about vicious cycles... why we end up doing what we did in the past which caused us pain... or why many events in our lives are relived even if they actually were too painful for us to bear... like me for instance... the people i love the most are usually separated from me, by chance and by choice... being away from them caused me a lot of pain... but why do i always end up being in situations where i tend to repeat a past i did not even choose, knowing by experience that going through the same hole can open up unhealed wounds? for once, i do not have an answer.. maybe i'm not meant to have one right now. maybe there's no answer... well, no matter what life offers, one way or the other, we as human beings, must continue to live. as what MME said: across the darkness i salute the dawn. it is only by being in the dark for so long can we learn to appreciate the light. one way or the other, we must be full of hope... it is when we learn to sincerely hope, that we can truly live our lives fully...

*i started writing this entry last 02Feb06, after one looong month, i was finally able to finish it today, 03mar06.. 'never really knew how to end it, nor could i remember how & why i came up with its title in the first place, so it was kept hanging for a long while (like the very many things i have put off for later)... today, i finally finished it.. it's no coelho nor a neruda, but it's something personal... something that touches homebase, so it was quite difficult to compose.. so bear with me...

what is it about you....

2006-02-08T11:31:00.000+08:00

What is it about you that the entire universe
turns upside down and inside out?
what is it that you do
to the human mind and the human soul
that we as solitary creatures
suddenly find ourselves
doing the things we don't normally do
..say things we don't normally say
..and behave the way we don't normally behave?
we end up being happier and lonelier at the same time..

but what is normal?
isn't it merely just a matter of consensus?
just like what that great contemporary novelist once said?
isn't it so that at those instances that
we thought we were doing, saying and behaving
in a way that is totally out of character,
we slowly come to the bitter-sweet realization that
we really did not act out of pretence
nor did we turn into this pseudo-unassuming race
we merely transformed into our real selves,
thus we have found who we really are,
the authentic "I" surfaced out...

then you shake us and break us
then make us whole again
only to break us all over again..
you make the solitary creatures
long to meet other solitary creatures
and make them share the solitude of togetherness
that they no longer can last without the other..
until the solitude is solitude no more..

for you are both bitter and sweet,
life-giving and mortifying
lifts your soul and crushes your spirit..
you are the ultimate paradox of all

you are love... bitter-sweet love

IMBITADO KA!

2005-12-08T11:36:00.000+08:00

ROCK THE RILES 2005

this is a project of RockEd Philippines

INNER TURMOIL

2005-12-06T11:16:00.000+08:00

An old man is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he says to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

One is evil

He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance,

Self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies,

False-pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good

He is gratitude, joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,

Kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The same fight is going on inside you – and in every other person too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute

And then asked his grandfather

“Which wolf would win?”

The old man simply replied,

“The one you feed.”

hot monday afternoons....

2005-11-07T16:04:00.000+08:00

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially today...... since office resumes tomorrow, i'm stuck at home trying to do whatever just to get through the day.....

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially if i'm not into anything... i'm bored to death, and i find myself uttering words i never thought i'd be able to muster: "sana may pasok na...." so i'd be preoccupied with work and forget how mundane my life is....

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially now that i just came from the airport to drop off my mum who left 2:40 this hot monday afternoon for indonesia after a brief 7-day stay here..

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially if i would come home to an almost empty house, hearing only the clings, clangs of construction workers renovating our abode....

i hate hot monday afternoons, especially with the deafening silence of my mobile phone...

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially if all i can hear of my dialling is the number you dialled is not active or is outside the service area.... so much for unlimited call and text....

i hate hot monday afternoons.... especially when i feel melancholic but have no one to disclose my innermost sadness.....

i hate hot monday afternoons... especially whenever i feel i've been forgotten.... and most especially if it's true......

i just hate hot monday afternoons..............

23

2005-10-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cannot believe it! 23!!!!!! 'thought for a while that i was going to be 21 forever! but noooo.... i'm 23!!!!!! aahhhhh!!!!

soooo.. what have i done in my 23 years of existence? hrmm... lemme see... (....time warp....)

I...
1. have had chicken pox, hepa a, typhoid fever, gastroenteritis
2. remember that I pooped on my pants (yeah I know all kids do, but hey! This incident, I actually remembered pooping!!!)
3. saw a ghost (well, I think twas a ghost)
4. grew a lil bit taller (yeah right!)
5. finished schooling (thank God!)
6. became a "missionary" for a year and was sent to Negros Occidental
7. flew to a foreign land at age 18, ON MY OWN!
8. was in a vehicular accident once (well, it was more like a tricycle hit)
9. laughed my lungs out
10. cried my heart out
11. spent 5 months bumming around in indo (the most excrutiating thing i've ever done! but at the same time, it was the longest time i've spend with my mom)
12. went on a TOPLOAD ride from bontoc to banaue!! yahooooo!
13. had a 20-minute crash course on photography
14. guested on a local cable show in Bacolod!
15. worked in a call center for 5 months!
16. can play the violin (slightly!!!!!)
17. fell in love
18. gave my very first orientation for grade school kids regarding an activity
19. climbed mountains, went spelunking
20. crossed rivers and swam seas
21. lived, learned and loved…

but i still have a long list of the things i want to do.....

I want to…

1. dance in the rain
2. learn how to swim
3. fly a kite
4. draw well
5. climb a mountain with my loved one
6. go spelunking in as many caves as I can
7. win something
8. have another great big adventure! (whatever it would be!)
9. see a shooting star
10. see and be with my love
11. learn how to drive
12. have even just one of the photographs I’ve taken, featured in a magazine or wherever
13. write a sensible and moving script
14. have a sport that I will really really stick to
15. send my cousins to good schools
16. spend for my mom and dad’s 2nd honeymoon (yikeee!)
17. be a missionary
18. be a teacher
19. obtain my master’s degree
20. have a our complete family photo taken
21. have a green thumb
22. do a kid’s show
23. do storytelling
24. go back to kibangay and negros
25. fly a plane
26. get married someday, and be a mommybe the person God wants me to be…

thank you Lord for another year of living, another year of learning, another year of loving....

roxas

2005-08-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

ansaya na nakakantok...

ansaya kasi, matapos ang ilang taon (oo, taon) eh, naka-gala ako kasama ng aking mga mahal na kaibigan.. di man kumpleto gaya ng nakalipas, ayus na din! kami nila cherry (guro) / clem (ayaw ipamalita na brader daw sya, pero brader naman talaga, brader sa mga kapatid nya sa dugo at sa pananampalataya) / mygz (soon to be AMA volunteer na Diyosa) / jazzy (risktaker daw sabi sa dingding sa aming pamantasan, pero sa totoo, kabado yan pagdating sa pag-ibig, well, sino nga bang hindi) / massay (ilongga na diyosa din na naka-base na sa lung center, taga-delay ng sweldo ng mga tao dahil sya ang may hawak ng payroll, accountant eh) / tinjoy at arthur (pagsama naten para iswit, magsyuting) / kathy (anghel ang boses netong sobrang pretty na gerlalu nato, nakatapal din ang kanyang ma-among mukha sa dingding ng aming pamantasan) / abby (isang diyosa din na malupet din ang boses, loka ito, nibuking ako sa kras ko, yan tuloy, di ko na tipo, oks lang, mas maganda)

eto preview:

nakakantok din... la kasi plano, so parang bitin na ewan.. tumatanda na nga ata, di na genun ka esponteynyus.. baybayin ba daw netong lukaret na migaela at che and malate sa gitna ng gabi upang humanap ng bijoke bar??!! e kung naka-apak sila ng tae?! madilim ata! ayun, pinaglaruan lang namin ang trapik layt sa roxas blvd.. di ba may timer ang haytech na pedestrian crossing, tama bang pumila ang mga baliw, at i-consume ang 28 seconds ata iyun na alotted time na pagtawid at pag nalalapit na ang oras e, tama bang kumaripas ng takbo... jaywalking din yun... mahirap na.. sangdaan din yun, halos apat na black gulaman din yun.. (kung senior citizen ka) eto preview ng mga antokees:

hanggang sa muling adbenchur!!!

nangungulila

2005-08-07T20:51:00.000+08:00

ako'y nagungulila.....

tigang na tigang ang aking mga daliri sa pagpihit, paghaplos at pagtangan sa mahal ko.... sa mahal kong minolta....

huhuhu... nakakaiyak.... magdadalawang buwan ko na siyang hindi nahahaplos, na-aakap, nadadala't napapasyal.... kamusta na kaya ang aking baby? naku........

ang drama ba?? wala kayo magagawa, blog ko to... edi mag-drama din kayo sa blog nyo, paki ko... ahehehe... oy ah... di ako nagyayabang... nak ng.... mumurahin lang ang SLR kong iyon, pero mahalaga sya sa akin... alay ito ng aking mahal na ama... nangungulila ako... miss ko na tatay ko....

pogi ng tatay ko noh... :)

at syempre, pati nanay ko.... miss ko na....

tingnan nyo, ang sweet nila.......

ahihih..... nanghingi nga ko ng baby brother or sister eh, nung nagkapiling sila sa Tate...... ahihih.... maawa naman daw ako dun sa magiging kapatid ko if ever... gurang na parents pagtapak nya ng prep.... sabi ko, "aampunin ko!! ako magpapalaki! ako magpapa-aral"... syempre, kapatid ko yun.... pero duh..... like it's easy....

hay naku.... la lang.....

ay naku, ano ba yan.... bakit nangungulila ang tao?

jologs talaga ng mga tagalog (oy, kasama ako dun, wag sana ako awayin ng mga tagalog-way) pano, pag nagngungulila ka sa tao, sinasabi mo oy, MISS kita... nyek.... inggles yun eh... Miss kita... nyorks... kasi pag sinabi mo na nangungulila ako sa iyo, aba, pihadong pagtatawanan ka..

bakit nakakatawa? anong nakakatawa dun?

tuwa ako sa ilonggo language... pag miss mo yung tao, nahidlaw ka.... direct translation to filipino: nangungulila... bakit hindi corny sa kanila sabihin yun? bakit sa mga tagalog, corny at baduy ang nangungulila...

magpapauso ako..... pipilitin kong di magsabi ng MISS KITA! sasabihin ko: NANGUNGULILA AKO SA IYO... :) o di ba, mas dama... hindi mechanical...

corny na sa corny, baduy na kung baduy... subjective naman ang baduy eh....

so... mga kaibigan ko... NANGUNGULILA AKO SA INYO, MGA MAHAL KO.... petch... mygz (kahit kakakita lang natin kahapon)... ayiton... che... maj... melay... tin... at sa iba pang nasa puso.... at syempre... sayo kuchinta.... (sabi nga ni che guevarra sa Motorcycle Diaries, something like: is it possible to have a feeling of nostalgia for a country you never knew? yet, he did feel nostalgic for Machu Picchu, where the majestic ruins and the extraordinary significance of the Inca heritage had a profound impact on the young men (including Alberto Granado) so... is it possible to miss someone you haven't seen? um-humm... :) ibang lebel siguro, pero ganun din yun.... (ang chorneeeee)

ang layo noh...... labo ko talaga...........

produkto ng mahabang dasalan

2005-07-31T11:51:00.000+08:00

eto na ata ang produkto ng mahabang dasalan at malupet na iyakan.... ang lupet nun.... mula ng natapos ang aking boluntir yir, eternal nang in limbo ako....... patay na naglalakad, alang direksyon.... tangis ng tangis ng di alam ang tunay na dahilan... kala ko nuon talagang nasisiraan nako... nasisiraan ng ulo... nasisiraan ng loob..

ngunit, matapos ang isang mahabang serye ng iyakang di pa alam ang sanhi, ang mahabang litanya ng reklamo't pagkawindang, at ang nakakabinging dasalan, may mga bagay-bagay talagang nararapat lamang mangyari para sa magsilbing bahagi ng isang magarbong plano ng maykapal.

matapos nga ang mahabang dasalan, unti-unting umakma ang mga pangyayari.. di maintindihan nung una, ngunit maganda rin pala ang kalalabasan, konting tiis lang, konting pasensya..

di naman perketo ang mga pangyayari.. may mga panahong nasugatan ako't naghina, ngunit gaya nga ng paulit ulit kong banggit, parte ito ng isang magarbong plano..

masaya ako sa aking gawain ngayon. matrabaho lang, pero kaya naman.. maganda ang gising sa umaga, kalmado, payapa.. maraming dapat simulan at tapusin, pero kaya naman, masaya. dagdagan mo pa ng isang inspirasyon na nagpapawi ng pagod at lumbay. masarap ang pakiramdam ng magmahal at mahalin.. iyong parang sa iyong lumbay, may umaakay, sa tuwing dama mo ang bigat ng daigdig sa iyong likuran, di ka naman mag-isa sa pagpasan.. di ka papanaw ng walang saysay..

unang linggo pa lang, buhos na ang saya sa gitna ng kapagalan.. ubos ang enerhiya ko sa mga batang takbuhan ng takbuhan, tilian ng tilian, tawanan ng tawanan. ngunit sa bawat tawa na aking naririnig, sa bawat saya sa mukha ng mga bata, sa bawat akap na aking natatanggap na walang hinihinging kabayaran, limot ko na ang ngalay, ang pagod, ang kangaragan.. hugot muli ng lakas mula sa mga tawa ng mga bata... kaya na muli humarap sa mundo...

isang malinggit na estudyante, di naman ako kilala, dahil ako'y baguhan lamang.. sa gitna ng isang gawain sa paaralan, sa kapaguran dahil sa kakalaro't kakaikot ikot.. sabay akap sa aking baywang at naghandog ng isang matamis na ngiti ng di naghahangad ng kabayaran....

simpleng galaw lamang ng isang bata, ngunit para sa nakatatanda, langit na walang kapantay ang sukat......

realization of realizations

2005-07-21T04:55:00.000+08:00

nyaaah... when it rains, it pours........ pero di ako nagsasalita ng tapos...

la lang... parang, lately, feeling ko bumabawi si Lord.... parang wow... dami biyaya amidst my daily struggles.... la lang, para kasing recently, i feel na guided ako sobra....

di nako bum.... isa na akong kapaki-pakinabang na miyembro ng lipunan (siguro!)

tas, wow........ si Lord talaga....... i guess He indeed took time off from resolving world issues to help me out.... sinong mag-aakala...... wow talaga... never in my wildest dreams did i dream (redundantdantdant) that God would actually work on my dilemma that fast... hrmmm... dilemma nga ba sya? oh well...... buhos! bumubuhos ang grasya... Lord ah...

parang kahit anong hirap, pagod, gulo ng buhay, hah! parang, ano ulit yon? la na, nasa backseat na.... all worth it..... kung gento eh, wow.... realization of realizations ang drama....... la nang mahalaga kundi ang anong meron ako na sya......

am i seemingly speaking in riddles? ok... fine.......

bottomline:

labyugoi......

journal excerpt on my pathetic luvlayp

2005-07-14T17:20:00.000+08:00

an excerpt from my journal... la lang... just wanted to share... gin-edit ko nato for the MTRCB... hhih...

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

01-june-'05

its's crazy coz i know after sometime, i'd laugh at myself (again), at what i'm about to write.. why? well, that's because i've pretty much done so for the past i-dunno-how-many years.. let me refresh my memory... (warp)

like any other person my age, i've liked a number of guys before, guys i went gaga over, guys i thought were "the one" for me (*twitch*), yes yes, i seriously thought that some of them were already the answer to my prayers. here's the list:

GUY #1. )

WHO'S HE: high school crush. THE ULTIMATE. he was my seatmate during the last quarter of the school year of my third year in HS. we constantly chatted, talking about this and that, for the most intimate talks to the not-so-intimate talks regarding his dandruff. i pretty much helped him court this girl. i wrote his love letters for him, well, he'd actually rewrite them on a sweet smelling stationary, so that it'll have his own handwriting on it, so it would appear that all those sweet, romantic, thoughtful things in it were a product of his own brain. (maybe i was a bad love-letter-writer, coz, he didn't make it to HHWW! :B)

so we talked and talked during class hours (hrmm, no wonder my grades went down the drain) well, actually, he did most of the talking, and i pretty much just listened to him. (and they say girls talk much!)

he was my first mega crush. he made me want to go to school everyday. he was the 1st, and maybe the only guy so far, that i was really close to, i mean, someone i actually talked to personally.

ULTRA KILIG MOMENT:

#1: "(ert), alam mo ba yung, parang may hinahanap ka sa buhay mo, yung taong matagal mo nang hinahanap, kung saan saan ka pa tumingin, yun pala, katabi mo lang?" (he was saying this with an air of seriousness)

ert: (speechless at first, seemed to be hearing soothing music, though there was none, almost quoted DAYANARA TORRES in one of her movies, in saying, can you hear the music alex?, but evidently, reality struck, well, more of shock enveloped me, perplexity and stupidity surfaced out, i then muttered the words that i most painfully regret having said til this very day) Oh, tapos? (may bahid ng katarayan ito)

(the wonderful music left my ears as fast as you can say "gaga", )

#1: (he seemed like he went out of trance, and indignantly said these words) WALA! (then faced the opposite direction

and that's the long and short of it.

REALITY CHECK: it was never made clear, whether he was leaning on to something, or he was just asking for the title of a particular song that he has on his head, which if you'd like to know, is actually The Search is Over - the search is over, love was right before my eyes is the last line of this song. well, torpe si lalaki. so i guess there may have been the slightest possibility that he was smitten towards me. but then again, he was courting someone else at that time, plus, he didn't make a 2nd attempt on me (that is if you can call that particular incident the 1st attempt), if he really liked me. so i guess, it was the song all along.

IN FAIRNESS: he was truly a nice person and sensible person, plus he's a musician at school, he was the guitarist of the most famous band at school, (hehe, well, actually, it's the ONLY band ata, eitherway, banda pa din na kilala sa skul) during our 4th year in HS. also, it's not so often that you find someone who has the same wavelength as yours. we talked about anything and everything! i never got bored. plus, his mind is really beautiful)

KASO: last thing i heard, he's married already. and well, i'd like someone who would also listen to me, not just talk and talk and talk.. plus, he probably don't remember me anymore. (that schmuck!)

GUY #2. )

WHO'S HE: tribemate in a youth camp. the delegates were randomly divided into groups which we called tribes. we didn't actually went beyond small talk (which by the way, i totally suck at!) he was a sensible young adult. a leader, an awarded leader at that.

ULTRA KILIG MOMENT: i liked him the first time i saw him (which was somewhere between Manila port and Ilo-ilo port, we travelled by boat, btw) then, like i said, he was my tribemate. he showed sense and intelligence during the sharings and the activities. one time, at the auditorium, i was staring at... umm... well, actually, all i could see of him was the back of his head coz he was siting 2-3 rows in front of us. i was so much in cloud nine at that time, imagine, after 4 years, i finally liked someone new. but, suddenly, he turned his head and looked my way (it's so true, this thing i read in readers digest, that people, even if they are blindfolded, can actually sense if someone was staring at them) so he looked my way, i was shocked, i turned my gaze to something else while trying my best to breathe again. i think it took me a good 5 seconds before i finally filled my lungs with air, my heart skipped maybe a couple of beats, i thought i was having a heart attack! silly me, i thought it was love. if you ask me now, i\'d say it was pure embarrassment.

REALITY CHECK: i guess it felt a little weird, you know, shifting from one crush to the next after 4 long years. and duh! we never talked, as in!

KASO: WALA KAMI MOMENT, isn't that reason enough to stop my stupidity? he doesn't know me well, plus i don't know him that well either. not to mention that he has a GF already. let's let him be. oh and, after Abegail from San Simon told him that i had a crush on him, there's no way on this planet that i'd show him my face again!

GUY #3. )

WHO'S HE: one of my students in Kibs. (nyaaah! corrupting minors ba??!) well, i didn't actually handle his class, he was one of the students at the school where i gave a community theatre workshop. my good miga used to be head over heels with him. i kind of liked him too at the beginning, but not like how my other miga adored him. (hihihi, you know who u are.. well, diyosa eh!)

ULTRA KILIG MOMENT: he was my knight-in-shining-armour for a minute or two. we were about to leave Kibs and we were already sitting at our places in the jeepney. as we descended through the not-so-steep hill, a couple of guys on a horse came charging towards our direction. it was him (and another accomplice). as their horse came to a hault, he stretched out his hand and on that hand was a flute, which he handed over to me. well, it was sort of romantic (ata), if you're a Manileña, and you're not used to seeing guys with well structured upper torso (nyaah ulet!! tunog maniac!) charging your way while riding a horse, just to present you with his goodbye-gift. but you see, i asked for that flute a few days back.. the delivery was just, shall i say, grandiose.

the 2nd time we went to Kibs, we were able to talk with him a little. this time, my miga was so much attracted to him that she even confessed that she's ready to wash his clothes in their batis if ever they get married. actually, i still had a crush on him, though it wasn't as intense as my miga's. so i just liked him silently. he was nice and seemed sensible. and hrmm, his upper torso was a bit more ooh-lala-ish, this time. he was a growing young man. (hyuk-hyuk-hyuk) but there's a story behind his amazingly sculpted upper torso and abs. he didn't turn out to be such because he frequently went to the gym. he got his muscles from doing manual work, he was working as a "cargador" for a banana company nearby, to earn a little income for the rainy days.

he was funny and charming. everyone in his school adored his humor and his wit. even the nuns..

a few weeks after our departure from kibs, i found my celfone constantly buzzing with messages from him. he even called every so often, professing his love for me (kuno).

REALITY CHECK: hah! did i mention that he was so into drugs before and after our 2nd trip to Kibs. so basically, while he was professing his love for me, i'm not certain wether he's SOBER or otherwise. maybe it was the drugs that was talking. plus, my miga worshipped him. (ahihih) id rather have my miga as my friend for life and lose #3, rather than have #3 and lose my miga. no way!

IN FAIRNESS: he was my 1st self-confessed admirer! so i liked him too, for a while. for the 1st time, someone saw through my invisibility and actually admitted that he liked me. it's really sweet. not to mention that in order for him to send text messages and make phone calls to me, he'd have to hike for a distance just to get a stable signal on his cel. now that's effort!

KASO: i'm a Manila girl, of course i was so appealing to a probinsyano like him (hey, im not ridiculing his being a probinsyano, actually, i like probinsyanos compared to some Manileños) plus, hello, MINDANAO-MANILA is not exactly QUIAPO-CUBAO. plus, i really don't know him that well, and vv. how can he say he loves me? does he even know which toothpaste i like to use? (duh!)

GUY #4 )

WHO'S HE & KILIG MOMENT: met at a youth festival. hit it off quite well at the start. though he had his eye on someone else initially. i was the one who was always there. i consistently answered his emails, his texts, and was always there for get-togethers. became physically intimate prematurely. professed his love for me, i was vulnerable (intimacy vs isolation stage), he was persistent. thought we knew each other well, and stupidly thought i had nothing to lose, i went on with it.

REALITY CHECK: everything was half-cooked. premature relationship that we tried to force into blossoming before the right time. there was affection, which, did not really grow into real love. hurried too much. blinded by everything, deaf to all, refused to consider the signs and God whispers. was practically in love with love. plus, i don't think we ever really talked, i mean, i don't think he really knows me and, it turned out, i didn't know him that well either. he had a vocation, i was the tempest. i romaticized everything. he doesn't know my soul, and my soul doesn't know him either. a little misunderstanding surfaced out, he wanted to cool it off for a while. fine! when he said he wanted me back, it made me stop and think and reassess my feelings. told him i didn't want to continue the realtionship, initially because i felt quite OK without him and i felt that he was so immature, and he didn't know what i ached for, what the desires of my heart really were. then his bad side came out, called me names, made up stories to make me jealous, let his friends read my letters to him, said ungentlemanly things about me, to me, his friends and my friends. he turned into this loathable creature i regretted ever having met. i didn't like the package.

IN FAIRNESS: makulit, and i liked the attention he gave me. i thought the search was over. had good times together.

KASO: he's not the one for me. although he was nice, initially, i don't think i can swallow his bad side. maybe his mother can, or some other girl can accept him. but not me. plus, like i said, he doesn't know ME. and i felt all slutty when i was with him. i don't like to feel that anymore. plus, his tongue is wicked.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

CONCLUSION:

so, what was my point in enumerating the boys in my life? well, they've sort of sliced little pieces of my heart. i got hurt by some, ignored by others, admired by a guy or two. during the times i met these people, i felt something really special towards them, and i didn't honestly think of the next guy to come along when they were in my thoughts, but here i am, im on my nth already. it's just that everytime a new guy comes along, i'd often catch myself saying ang tanga tanga mo kasi, di ka nagiisip towards the end. (so i guess, you can't blame me for being manhid kuno or for being too cautious.. actually, you can't blame any girl for that!!!)

they never turned out to be the one for me, nor did i become the one for them. and it gets tiring sometimes. i guess my heart just has this way of tricking me into thinking maybe this guy is the one i've been waiting for, but evidently, that has not been the case. and i have this attitude of being so engrossed with someone so much, that it's sickening, but as fast as i would become interested in them, the faster it would for me to lose interest in them as well. and then, when i would re-read my journal entries, i'd laugh at my own writings because, like the song goes, i remember the boy, but i don't remember the feeling anymore.. (don't get me wrong, i don't intentionally like then unlike someone, maybe i've just met a few it's-not-him guys) i think it just shows to prove that i still haven't mastered how my heart works, i still wouldn't stop at my tracks and tell myself to think clearly, and assess my feelings carefully. because, i tend to get carried away with new feelings.

so, i dunno, maybe this entry doesn't really have a conclusion, because, the story has yet to end... (uuyy) i dunno, it's making me sick, you know, thinking the unthinkable, imagining the unimaginable, solving the unsolvable, understanding the un-understandable, and comprehending the incomprehensible. but i do wish, the next time i try to write something, i'll have a real conclusion about the subject i just wrote about. although i'd like to say im not in a real hurry, i'd like to think that maybe someday, somehow, in God's very busy existence, you know, resolving conflicts, making miracles, looking after the orphans, the hungry the sick and the dying, amidst all the wars, the confusion, the immorality, the hunger, and the poverty in our world, wouldn't it be nice if, he would take time off for just a minute or two to help me out with my dilemma regarding my so called lovelife? wouldn't that be so nice.. =)

hehe... just a thought...

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

mind you, i wrote this june 2005 in indo..........

has my feelings changed? hehehehe... it's for me to know and for you to shut up!!!!!!!!! ahahhaha!!!!!

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2005-07-07T09:34:00.000+08:00

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love.
For your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring with your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
Or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness letting the ecstacy fill you
To the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic.
Or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another
To be true to yourself;
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
And not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful
And therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty everyday
And if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of the lake and shout
To the silver of the full moon, 'Yes!'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live
Or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are,
How you came to be here.
I want to know
If you will stand at the centre of the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what
Or with whom you have studied.
I want to know
What sustains you from the inside
When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In that empty moment.

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*for those who's so sick of reading this, because i've already sent you this thing way way back... forgive me... i just sooooo love this... maybe you can just read it again, if you ain't got nothin' else to do this hour.. it may quite well be beneficial to your soul.. your mood the day you first read this thing, may not exactly be the mood you have right now... soo, basahin nyo na lang ulit.... la namang mawawala.... sa mga 1st time readers..... nyaaah... ganda neto!!!*

wrrrzzzz dei

2005-06-30T09:16:00.000+08:00

i had the worst day yesterday.. i actually thought i messed things up permanently with chugs... (nyaaahh!!) never thought that i was actually capable of being such an azzzzzhole.. why did i say permanently? well, being the praning that i am, it's not impossible to think of such things.. it was such an awful day, i felt as though that the forces were against me.. things to be done took almost forever to get accomplished. i found myself strolling at familiar paths with unfamiliar thoughts and feelings.. i felt as though the whole day, i was just going around in circles.... haaay.... famous line: nawiwindang... wowowee! hay, yoko na ma-feel yun... enough of being such an a-hole... enough of the wall thingamajigiddy... no more.. no more... if i could have it my way (meaning i won't be suppressed by my so-called scruples which, more often than not, are actually excess prudence, it's become sickening at times) id like to live my life with a what you see is what you get attitude.. para bang take it or leave it.. eto ko, tanggap mo man o hindi... haay... id like to be that brave... weeeeeeee!!!!!!

the return of the comeback

2005-06-13T18:47:00.000+08:00

nak ng pating! binabasa ko mga previous posts ko... siomai naman oh, napaka-drama queen ko talaga!!! arghhh!!!!! nakakairita! parang kati sa katawan na di ko maabot!

anyhoooo, mga kababayan! andito na ako ulit! ako'y nagbalik na sa aking lupang tinubuan!!!! it's nice to be back, pero. wow naman tol.... SOBRANG INIT!!!!!!! oras oras, nababawasan ako ng 1lb ata dahil sa sobrang pawis! nakatutok na fan nyan ha... sus... grabeng oven toaster sa init!!! mainit sa indo, pero, sus, di ganito kainit!!! ANG INEEEEET!!!!!

daming errands na gagawin, daming planong paplanuhin, daming taong kikitain, daming nasimulang kailangang tapusin....

VIOLIN KO!!!!! huhuhu... nasa indo pa! nak ng, no way kasi na magbabayad ako ng fee sa overbaggage.. $9/kilo, eh 10 kilos yung isang bag ko na iche-check in ko dapat para makadala ako ng isa pang handcarry, which is my baby violin... $9x10=$90xP55=P4950!!! no way man!!!! ang isang balikbayan box from indo to manila, $50 lang noh, dami nang laman nun... yun nga lang 15 days pa bago dumating.. kaya yun, nasa nanay ko muna.... papadala na lang nya... teka, kasya ba yun sa balikbayan box???? ay basta... pati gamot ko sa malupet na pimples ko, naiwan ko!!! huhuhu... ano ba ito!! pimples, easy ka lang, next month ka na dumating, wala pa tayo gamot....

busy busy busy.... uwi pako zambales this week... dalawin si grandma ko na mejo weak na daw.. bukas, punta kami ni other grandma ko sa bahay ng boypren nya... sheeesh... hanep talaga ang buhay ng tao, 70-year-old na lola ko, may boypren... hanep.... well, fyi, childhood sweetheart nya yun. sila mejo close (or parang mejo mag-on ata) nung pinakasal si grandma ko kay grandpa ko (sumalangit nawa) e e-eng-eng-eng-eng si lola ko nun (actually, arranged marriage nun ata e mejo accepted pa rin) so yun, pinakasal sila.. 18 lang sya nun... by the age of 23 ata o 24, nabyuda si lola, kaso me asawa na si dating bf... so yun.... tlagang gudbye ata hanggang, ayun, reunion, reunion (magka-schoolmate kasi sila nun HS) kita sila ulit... 2 years ago, nabyudo si lalaki... ngayon, sila na ulit.. magpapakasal ata... nak ng... ang loser ko talaga... pag kinasal sila, tas la akong date. wow pare... hrmmm.. pero, oks lang... heheh... ang loser.... pero sus.... 22 pa lang ako...... i have my whole life ahead of me (watever that means) no rush.... maganda lang siguro kung meron, pero no rush.... di ba petch? hehe..

nada

2005-06-02T19:45:00.000+08:00

WARNING: NOT ADVISABLE TO SOME READERS WITH MELANCHOLIC TENDENCIES.

anak ng pating.. ano ba naman ito? nakakaiyak.. naiiyak talaga ako sa kawalan ng direksyon ng buhay ko. alam ko alam ko, kung sino man ang nakakabasa nito, napapagod ka kayo sa mga reklamo ko at alam ko din sa sasabihin nyo na i have to take responsibility and plan things out for the future. batsheeeet naman... sana nagka-course dati ng kung paano mabuhay bilang tao sa mundo. ang hirap nya, shocks... sarap maging bata, lang iniintindi. ngayong tumatanda na, dami aspeto ng buhay pala. and i pretty darn suck at a lot of these life-aspects. mas madali nga na magpa-banjing-banjing. to live your life na wala kang iniinda na rules, values, yung wala kang pakialam sa iba, sarili lang iniintindi. mas madali ang buhay na hindi pinagninilayan, sa ingles nga e the unexamined life... kaso.. nasobrahan ata ako ng pag-eksamin sa buhay ko.. nababaliw na ata ako sa sobrang pag-examine, sa totoo lang. kung sabi sa akin ng pari dati nung nag-confess ako na masyado daw ako prudent, my goodness, mas lalo ata ngayon. i think i went beyond prudence, i became too much of a coward! yes yes! im a coward! God, forgive me for being such a coward! geee whizzzz... i think, i think too much!!! i heard somewhere that we tend to complicate things with our minds.. and i guess i'm guilty of doing just that. im pathetic. i dunno. im so clueless right now. im so out of it... how did i let myself sink this low?

the other day, i was watching M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable.. there was scene there of a funeral mass for those who died of a train wreck, and it went something like the priest would say the name of the victim and also mention his/her occupation etc, for instance James O'Connor, businessman, father of 3, we pray for your soul. Emily Johnson, 2nd grade teacher at the so and so Elementary School, we pray for your soul.. such a plain scene, but, bam! it hit me! what if I was in that train wreck and I died, what would the priest say of me? Ertling, unemployed, and then he would move on to the next casualty. Oh dear, as much as i would want to stop myself from feeling down, i can't help myself. now, im just this insignificant, dispensable, joke of a person! just pathetic.. it's just that my self-worth right now went down a million notches since i dunno when.. i know i can change the way i see my life, even life in general, but the thing is, it's harder that it seems... sorry for the clichè but, it's really much easier said than done. who am i? what have i become? i bet God is soooo disappointed in who i've become. sorry God! after all the blessings ang graces... this is how i repay you.. GEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!! i feel like i'm this little unhatched chick inside a shell, i kick, i punch, i push, just to be able to get out of the shell i'm in. but the shell just won't budge, no matter how hard i try.. i cry, i mourn, i weep, i fall to my knees, but to no avail.. and when the time came for my timely hatching, i find myself inside yet another shell, and on and on it went.. shell after shell after shell.. it's like i'm just going in circles, but no, im moving forward and forward, only to find out that as i break each shell, i find myself amongst a myriad of shells. i cannot be freed, i cannot come out.. and if i perish in my quest, so will i join yet another myriad of casualties (and no one cares)

i don't need this.. haaay, i'm just so down right now... people are moving on with their lives, and.. me..... im... just... HERE... im just HERE!!! do you get what i mean? i'm just here and i dunno.... im just this fool who sensationalize her feelings too much... what am i going to gain because of this? nada! all the more will i just feel sorry for myself... pathetic! have you seen anyone more pathetic that i? gee whizzz...

sorry for this, i just have to let it all out, hence, it might channel its way through a more unproductive, even more destructive manner (mahirap na di ba, baka mamya, mag-ngangawa ako sa kalye, o kaya, mapagtripan ko na bunutin ang kilay ng alaga naming isda sa bahay, baka ma-deport ako nyan, mahirap na)... so i write.... i just write 'em all out! goodbye feeling... i don't need you anymore...

!!!!!!!! mabuhay !!!!!!!!!

THE DEVIL

2005-04-25T19:10:00.000+08:00

The DEVIL is like a RABID DOG

....tied to a chain.

Beyond the length of the chain, he can't seize anyone...

so... KEEP AT A DISTANCE!

for if you approach too near...

you let yourself be caught....

----- PADRE PiO -----

imprisonment

2005-04-25T17:43:00.000+08:00

a caged up bird...

longing to take flight...

dreaming of having the wind whisper its secrets to me...

yearning for the clouds to embrace me with its tender love...

anxious to go places, meet new faces, taste new tastes and hear new sounds...

i am a caged bird...

holding on to the bars that hinder me reaching the world i long to belong to...

i sing the melodies of my soul...

hoping that somehow, someone else is listening...

to the cry of a silly caged bird...

i am caged bird...

prisoner of my own life...

entraped in my own desires...

confined in my own soul...

locked up in my own flight of fancy...

stranger to my own fate...

Monsieur Ibrahim

2005-03-17T23:05:00.000+08:00

I got a copy of this nice film.. It's called Monsieur Ibrahim and the flowers of the Koran... Well, actually, that's the name of the play the film was derived from. the movies was just Monsieur Ibrahim.. It's a French film, for a minute, I thought I was going to get lost in translation, but it was pretty cool..

I wanted to share some lines from the film that I liked...

What you give is yours...

What you keep is lost forever...

true... kinda reminds me of the story of the dead sea. the story says that the reason why the dead sea is considered *dead*, although it's technically not, is that, unlike other bodies of water that gives out the water it receives, the dead sea isn't capable of that. all the water it gets from the Jordan river, it keeps to itself, it doesn't pass the water to other bodies of water, thus making the river too salty for any living creature to survive. so it's called the *dead sea*...

another quote from the movie i liked is this:

The love you give is YOURS...

they can REJECT it...

but they cannot DESTROY it...

...they'd just be missing out on something great...

something like that....

it's true... and, it's very comforting.. yes, the love is yours indeed. they can do whatever they like with it, but they cannot stop you from loving. because we love out of our own volition... we love because we love.. yes, it would be devastating for the love that we give to be rejected, but that's the way things work.. as free as we can loving people, as free as others are in deciding what to do with the love we offer..

so there....

boredom

2005-03-12T23:09:00.000+08:00

aside from the weekly violin lessons, and once in a while indonesian language tutorials, i have nothing else to do.. on other circumstances, i would have shouted for joy, coz i've got all the time in the world!

NOT..

goodness, this boredom is starting to get under my skin! because i've been thinking/reflecting/discerning a lot lately, about myself, my life, my past, my present and my future, my relationships with other people, and much much more, i get frantic about how crazy and at the same time, tedious my life is.. and i discover things about myself that i never knew i possessed.. i can tell you one thing, they ain't pretty.. i discover how off track i really am with the goals i have for myself and how disillusioned i am with the life i'm living.. argghh, too much thinking, too much thinking!!! but really, i do not like the things i've discovered about myself.. that's better than admitting to yourself that nothing's wrong with you, right? but, too much of anything is bad, i guess.. im being tooo prudent and too reflective that i see only the ugly side of my discoveries.. some say i'm humble (nye) but the truth is, (brian knows this) i'm just not good with compliments.. arrgh.. pero nagbabago na ako (di ba petch).. i'm learning to say "thank you" to a compliment, rather that "di ah..." oh well, ok ok, sometimes, i try to, sometimes i fail.. eto pa, i'm soooo good at emotional blackmail that i don't even realize i'm actually doing them already.... arrrghhh!!!! you should see me, pang oscars ang datind kahit walang dialogue.. (mind you, im not proud of it, im just sharing coz i have nothing else to do, and nothing else to lose, paki ko sa inyo.. aheheh) mehn, galing ko dun! tsk tsk.... my mom can attest to that, so can my brothers and my lolas.... (whoelse? any victims who would like to go up to the witness stand? hrmmm...) goodness.. well, awareness the the beginning of change, right?

acknowledge-own-let go

Let me coin Bo Sancez with what he said: feel the feeling and then let go... hihih.. ok ok... i've known this for so long... it's time to put it into practice..

and i'm such a drama queen! golly, you guys should see my head.. so full of drama.. sometimes, i think whether or not im losing it already.. no kidding.. i get so melodramatic it's sickening..

oh well, at least im aware of the skeletons in my closet, i'd be able to get rid of them with patience, right?

biola

2005-02-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

i just enrolled in violin lessons at PETROF PIANO HOUSE here in BSD Tangerang, Indonesia... yeah yeah, i know it says "piano", but they're got all sorts of musical lessons as well. i'm actually dead bored, so this is a good way of passing time, don't you think?

so why violin, or biola in bahasa... why not the piano, like everyone else, or the guitar (yes, im can't play these instruments, i can only play a bit of kubing and barely get a tune out of kedang (djembe, if you may).. this is not humility, my dear brothers and sisters, this is the truth... mehn oh mehn, playing the kubing (or mouth/jaw harp to those who aren't familiar w/ it) compared to Joey A., i'd look like a kid from kindergarten, while he, on the other hand, would already be on his PhD... and the djembe, compared to petchai, or melvin, or otto of makiling, im like a baby trying to speak, but everything that comes out is just gugugug-gagaga... soo, going back to my point (sorry, i always have a tendency on getting carried away w/ anything) why the violin?

let me tell you a story.... hihihi....

back when i was a child (drama!!!) my grandaunt and i would always go to Quiapo every first Sunday of the month to hear mass. she has this devotion to the Black Nazarene i guess, or plainly just the Quiapo church.. anyway, we'd ride the G-Liner from cainta to quiapo and in quiapo, we'd always pass by this shop of musical instruments.. they've got the all sorts of guitars, drumsets, and, of course, the violin... i've always marvelled at the violin, of how beautiful it looked.. from the very first time i saw those violins that were up for sale, i've decided that no matter what happens, no matter how old i get, i'd learn how to play the violin.. soo, from that point, until the recent years, i've begged by grandaunt to but me a violin.. she didn't say no, of course, she just said, "if id win a million pesos at the sweepstakes draw, i'd buy you your violin..." my grandaunt went from buying sweepstakes tickets to betting on the Lottery... (evolution of gambling..hehe) still, no violin... i didn't get mad at her, cause she never won big money anyway... so technically, she didn't break her promise... *wink*

i told this story to my mum i think just once, but i guess she never forgot about it...

and so... here i am in indonesia... more than a month has passed without any particular physical or mental activity to keep my brain cells from drying up.. just my frequent visits to the internet shop and to the malls nearby... (still can't speak the language, so i still can't go on an escapade by myself... too bad..) maybe my mum noticed my dullness and my lethargy, 'cause, out of the blue, she just told me she's enrolling me at this music school to learn the violin! wow! (but no personal violin yet! maybe next week, my mum says.. yipeeee!)

and today, we went to the said school and enrolled myself.. after that, we went on a snack at dunkin' donuts... she then told me her own frustrations... (geewhiz.. it's not everyday that you'd get a hearty talk w/ your mum, right?) of how she has dreamed playing the piano since she was little... she would watch a nun at her elementary school teach some of the kids the rudimentary lessons on how to play the piano.. how she wished she was the one being taught.. but she had to be content on just observing, i guess... soo, she then just remembered some of lessons by heart..

maybe mama didn't want me to have the same frustrations as hers.. because now, God has been good to us and has provided us with blessings, blessings that would allow me to enroll in violin lessons! God is good..

sooooo... wish me luck! i dunno how in the world id be able to learn violin with a bahasa indonesia-speaking tutor... oh, what the heck! im in indonesia! i should learn the language! hah!

oh dear, wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

realization

2005-02-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

this is one of my many realizations my "solitary confinement" in far away indonesia has taught me:

THE EXTREMITIES OF MY EMOTIONS CAN BE TAMED AS FAST AS IT CAN GO WILD..

Now, i may drown myslef with much consternation, forlorn and distrought....
then, as an ample amount of time passes by......

i'd be showcasing an antithesis of my previous behaviour...
i'd be bingeing in joviality, even perkiness, and suddenly possess such an affinity for life!

Maybe i'm a little bit crazy...
OR
maybe i'm just brave enough to admit things like these......

i dunno........

GO FIGURE!

in limbo

2005-02-22T22:31:00.000+08:00

WARNING: I'M DOWN.......................

it's taking me an eternity trying to ascend from my conscious and unconscious abseiling into the precipice of the bedlam i'm in. i've come to this bitter realization that although i have a great alacrity in picking up the pieces of my tenuous soul, i'd have to admit, there are times where i seem to lose all hope, as though all the effort i've given to this arduous journey was just like banging my head onto brick wall.

have i finally fallen into the abyss of hopelessness and desperation? will i give up, yield, and finally jump into the bandwagon?

sorry...... but i refuse to.. not as long as i can help it...

here i go again, i'm allowing myself to be swallowed again by melancholia...

but, haha! even though i've been swallowed by this melancholic plague, i refuse to be digested! i just tell myself that no matter how bleak the future may seem, i know, in the deepest recesses of my soul, that no one else can help me in this kind of situation... wallowing in self-pity never took me anywhere. there's only one thing advisable to do: help myself in allaying my fears and my doubts... no one can successfully arouse in me the almost vestige hope i have left, only i can do that..

i should know better, right? It's funny actually. whenever i think of how prosaic my life is right now, i just think of it like the farces of plays, yes, they're ridiculous parts, albeit, they're also essential to the development of the plot or the character. well, maybe not "essential", but nonetheless, they're still parts of the play, like pieces of a puzzle, without that teeny bit of the puzzle, the thing will not be made whole..

as much as i would want to ascribe the extreme austerity of my existence to the arbitrary course of life, i know i shouldn't do that, for it'll only cause me more acrimony...

too much solitude, i suppose... this may be caused by too much solitary air.... must get out quickly!!! out! out! i want out! out of this animosity!

haha! tomorrow, i'll be better! hah! yada-yada-yada...............................

Batad Village

2005-02-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

Ahhh... Batad Village... Paradise...

I remember the very first time I went there. It was during my summer break in High School, I was with my grandma (yes, ladies and gentlemen, I went hiking with me ol' grandmama!!!) and her co-teachers... Back then, Batad wasn't as established as it is right now.. If my memory serves me right, in my High School days, there wasn't even a single overnight lodge you can stay in... It was "raw" ... Just simple abodes amidst paradise... I was dumbfounded when the first saw the beauty of that place, my oh my, I said to myself, how can something so beautiful exist without the world being able to find out about it? (at that time, not so many people knew about that particular village)

Soon enough, like any secret meant to be revealed, Batad Village was definitely discovered... Almost a year ago, my friends and I went on an adventure.. From Manila to Bontoc to Sagada, back to Bontoc, then Banaue, not having any real itinerary whatsoever, we took our backpacks and headed for the unknown, putting our trust on fate and just enjoyed every minute of the trip... We never really intended to go to Banaue, let alone Batad Village. But strangely enough, we found ourselves traversing through the marvelous landscape of Batad.

When we got there, I noticed that things have indeed changed. Batad has definitely "developed", although of course not as much compared to other cities. A number of tourists flock the area, and as you follow the path towards the village, there are these stalls where you can buy anything and everything. From camera films, to bottled mineral water, to souvenirs and all sorts of keepsake, you name it, they have it.

Just recently, I saw on TV that Batad now has electricity. Others would be very much happy with the idea of having electricity brought to the village, but, for some reason, I felt SAD... Not that I don't want the people of Batad to stay in the dark forever... It's just that... I Dunno... I just thought "Oh no, gone are the days of the pure "rawness" of nature in Batad"...

Imagine: You're walking along the path leading towards the beautiful village of Batad, you sense the smell of the green grass, you hear the relaxing sound of water cascading through small waterfalls by the side of the trail, you walk along the bare earth, with the beautiful blue sky above you, then at night you see little fireflies that remind you of fairies, dancing along to the tune of the little crickets' musical, then you arrive at your destination. You check in at this little Inn, you get into your room, and voila! In the middle of the "jungle", there's light! A fluorescent lamp at that! OK OK, that's nice, at least you don't have to crawl your way through the room and pray to God that the candle won't burn down your blanket or your clothes. You put down your things, and then you go up to the "restaurant". "What's that noise?" you ask yourself.. My oh my, they've got a TV! And everyone seems to be hypnotized by the little tube. Oh dear, no wonder. It's 7pm, it's time for their favorite tele-novela. Today, they will reveal the true identity of the lead actress. It turns out that at birth, she was taken away by her "evil" grandmother who thought of her father as a loser, so she had him taken by the "police", and to this day, the father has been spending his years locked up in prison. She (the lead actress), on the other hand, was taken to an orphanage, where she spend most of her years, until she finally left and became friends with the friend of a friend of the neighbor of the of the teacher of the son of the wife of an ex-politician, who happens to be the half-brother of the concubine of the taxi driver, who really wasn't a taxi driver but a secret agent of the government, who coincidentally was the father of the classmate of the lead actress' step-brother, who was actually the key to unlocking the mystery of her true identity .. (yeah, right, as if we don't know that already!)

So where was I? Oh, yeah yeah, so they've got TV. That’s fine, isn't it? At least they'll be informed of what's happening to the world, right?And so came morning! Ahhh, the morning breeze will definitely make up for the insect bites and the bed bugs. You're off hiking! You get your very very expensive CANON EOS 1Ds Mark II DIGITAL SLR camera, with a whopping full frame of 16.7 megapixel CMOS image sensor, combined with blazing DIGIC II Image Processor, that captures up to 32 consecutive shots at speeds up to 4 frames-per-second, and has dramatic decreased startup and card-writing times! WOW, you're the man! You hire a tour guide who then leads you to the very enchanting Tappia Falls. The shutterbug that you are, you take shots of almost anything you lay your "lens" on.. Click, click click... WOW, you're actually walking through the famous "World Heritage Site"-tagged rice terraces! But wait... Aaww man! How in the world would I be able to take a shot of a panoramic view of the area, with these ELECTRIC WIRES blocking the view????????

The question remains:

What does it mean to be "developed"?

Does "development" mean high rise buildings, concrete roads, technological advancement and economic productivity? Does development really mean you have to be up-to-date with the latest trend in the market? Does development really mean catching up to the Western World when it comes to infrastructure, technology and even their way of thinking? What does it REALLY mean to be DEVELOPED?

Back in College, I joined a group of Immersionists (no not Contortionists, IMMERSIONISTS! You know, people who go on an immersion, they stay in a certain community and try to "immerse" themselves in the daily lives of the people around the said community, it's different from being a tourist though.. Immersionists don't draw much attention to themselves, or at least they try not to)... We went to Xavier de Kibangay High School, in Lantapan, Bukidnon. Majority of the students there belong to an indigenous tribe, the Talaandig. (I’ll have to write a separate post for this whole immersion experience, but for now, let's stick to what we have. *wink*). Before the immersion ended, we dropped off Barangay Songco, where there stands, the Talaandig School of Living Traditions. The school aims on teaching the young members of the tribe the basics in reading, writing, but what makes it different is that they actually integrate their lessons with traditional Talaandig values and mythologies, dance techniques, and music. The school was established back in 1995 by the elders of the tribe, headed by Datu Victorino Migketay Saway. On our visit to Songco,we had the privilege of meeting this very wise Datu. Incidentally, he talked to us about "development". He said that that is the reason why they put up the school, for the development of the people. BUT, he said, that development does not only mean technological advancement. It could also mean going back to your roots. It's like he's saying that to develop is to retreat. It seems paradoxical, but it actually makes sense! He's not saying we should regress, instead, in order to progress, one must look back first, enrich one's culture, incorporate it with the demands of the world, and then move forward.

Development does not necessarily mean mimicking the rest of the world's criteria for success. It simply means moving FORWARD equipt with the things in the past: your culture, your tradition.

It's not easy, but it's realizable, isn't it?

... JUST A THOUGHT =)

Genesis

2005-02-02T15:30:00.000+08:00

For quite sometime now, i've been putting off writing.. the reason? i have yet to understand.. cowardice, i suppose.. fear for my own criticisms.. i am not a perfectionist, na-ah.. but there are instances wherein i find it hard to forgive myself for the ludicrous decisions i've made because of my being way too prudent.. i was sooo overy concerned about the "image" i project.. but then again, as i've pondered on this issue forever, i've come to realize.... WHO CARES?!

Sooo then, i've decided to embark myself in this insanely terrifying ... which to me would be like baring my soul to the people of the world, unearthing my genuine self.. that's scary! you see, i'm not a "what-you-see-is-what-you-get" kind of person.. (no i'm not you guys, sorry for the disappointment, i try to be one, though) It would take a great deal of strength for myself and for others especially, to be able to break through the WALL i've agonizingly built in my 22 years of existence.. you see, once upon a time, i was painfully shy.. i didn't let a good amount of people get through my barricade.. and so, the saga continues.. On weird days, i'm ridiculously weird, unexpectingly adventurous, uniquely animated and astonishingly valiant.. Otherwise, on much weirder days, i'd be totally predictable, unbelievably timid, annoyingly lethargic or boringly typical..

So, without further ado, I WELCOME YOU TO MY WORLD...

If you're SHORT-SIGHTED and PREJUDICED, then this is NOT the place for you..

If you're OPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS AND IDEAS, and you're IMPARTIAL... then you are very much welcome to my thoughts..........